The Missing Years - a kissing booth fan fiction

Frozen

Elle

I was getting used to dorm life and sharing my space with another person. I really couldn't have asked for a better roommate than Steph. She was tidy and never let any of her stuff creep over the invisible divide down the middle of the room that separated her half from mine. It also helped that she wasn't a morning person either, so there were no annoying alarms going off early on the weekends. It was great to have a close friend who was a girl, because as much as I loved Lee and he was my best friend, there were some things he would never understand.

The day I'd moved in had been a little emotional, with my dad and Brad coming along to help get me settled. Linda had stayed away for this one and I was kind of glad, because it felt right just being the three of us. Dad had teared up a little when they were leaving, like I'd thought he would. The thing that got me though was when Brad burst into tears, saying I was leaving him all alone. That was like a punch to the gut. I'd done my best to reassure him that I would still be around enough to annoy him and beat him at Mario Kart.

I guess Brad and I were closer than most siblings because of what had happened with Mom, and the fact that I'd sort of taken over some of the parenting duties after she'd passed. I was glad that Linda was around more now, because it would help Brad cope with not having me around so much. I'd been making a point of spending Sunday afternoons at home to hang with him, staying on for dinner before driving back to campus. It wasn't a completely selfless act though, since I missed home cooked meals and Linda usually sent me off with an armload of leftovers and baked goods.

I was taking the rest of my basic foundation courses this semester which was fine, but I was looking forward to getting into more of the specialised game design subjects next semester for sure.  I hadn't found any of the subjects too difficult so far. I definitely had to study more than I had in high school, but I was getting good grades, which was building my confidence.

Soccer training was tough, but I enjoyed pushing myself physically and the team atmosphere was great. Most of my social circle was made up of people from the girl's and guy's teams. We hung out after training on Wednesday's and there was usually a group going to the campus club or a concert or some other event on the weekends. Josh of course was part of that circle and our casual flirtation continued, slowly becoming a little less casual and a little bit more like a proper relationship.

At the beginning of term, things had been much like they had over summer. We flirted, we made out at parties and we spent a bit of time alone together, either going to movies or just hanging out on campus. Josh didn't bring up the topic of us being boyfriend and girlfriend and neither did I. To be honest I was probably avoiding the topic because I didn't know what my answer would be if he asked me how I felt.

But as the weeks went on, we found ourselves spending more and more time together. We met for lunch most days, we studied together at the library and we ventured out for dinner a few times a week. Our friends started to accept that we were kind of a package deal. Like an invite for one of us was an invite for both of us. The elephant in the room was the fact that we hadn't slept together.

It wasn't like I didn't want to, Josh was hot and our flirting and make outs had gone pretty far. But he'd never pushed the issue and I hadn't volunteered. Frustratingly it was a little but like it had been with Noah, where I felt like I had to be the one to make the first move. Josh was letting me set the pace and I was keeping things safely in low gear.

I wasn't sure how to take the next step. I decided I needed someone else's opinion and figured I would bring it up with Steph during our usual Friday rom-com movie night. We'd devoured a pizza watching How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days and I was busily making us ice cream sundaes while trying to work the topic of Josh into our conversation. I needn't have worried though, because after sorting out the next movie, Steph cut straight to the point.

"So, what's the deal with you and Josh?"

"Um, what do you mean?"

Steph fixed me with a look. "You know what I mean, Elle. Are you guys like together?"

"I guess... I like him, I'm just... having trouble taking it... um... further." I didn't know why, but I was super embarrassed.

"So, you guys haven't slept together then?"

I blushed and then got embarrassed that I'd blushed. "No, we haven't."

"Well, what's stopping you?"

I sighed as I handed Steph her sundae. "It's a long story."

"Is it a juicy story?"

"Oh, yeah, it's juicy." I flushed just thinking about how to describe my limited love life thus far.

Steph grinned and settled into her beanbag chair. "Well then, never mind the movie, tell me everything."

So I did. I told her all about my total lack of dating through most of high school, then the craziness of the kissing booth and how it had set everything with Noah in motion. Then I gave her the highlights of our relationship, ending with how he'd let me go to force me to pursue my own dreams. Steph hadn't believed me when I'd told her that Noah really was the hottest guy I'd ever seen in the flesh, so I'd had to drag up a photo from the archives on my phone.

"Wow. Okay, now I get how you could be ruined for all other men." She handed back my phone, eyebrows still raised.

"I know right? I'm doomed. What do you do when the first guy you've ever dated is possibly the love of your life and is hotter than anyone has a right to be? Like literally how can anything or anyone compare to that?"

"Well, you may very well be doomed. But the fact that you aren't with Noah means that it wasn't perfect. You know you can't spend your whole life waiting to see if it pans out in the end.  Plus, you owe it to yourself to figure out what you want, and more importantly what you don't want, out of a relationship."

I nodded, contemplating what that meant for Josh and I.

Steph continued. "So, if you're attracted to Josh and he feels the same, there really shouldn't be anything stopping you from taking it to the next level."

"I guess you're right. Thanks Steph, I needed to hear that." I pondered this revelation while I finished my ice cream.

The first time I had sex with Josh, it was weird. I mean the sex wasn't weird, I just felt a bit weird about it before and after. During, well that was actually pretty good. But it's kind of hard to give yourself over to someone that way when the one and only person you've ever been with was your first love.

What Noah and I had was so intense, there were all these feelings behind the act. With Josh, it was more just physical need and want, not an expression of love. That had its own benefits I guess. It felt so freeing to get out of my own head and just be in my body in that moment.

And so, Josh and I became a real thing. We were boyfriend and girlfriend. We held hands and kissed in public without hesitation. It was light and easy, I didn't feel so highly strung as I had with Noah. Almost like there wasn't so much pressure. Which actually, there wasn't.

I hadn't made a big deal about Josh with my family, hadn't taken him home to meet Dad or anything. I definitely hadn't said anything to June, that would have been too weird given the situation with Noah. Lee knew about it of course, he had since the beginning, but he was supportive of anything that made me happy.

And I was happy. Until the weekend before Thanksgiving when Steph was away and Josh was staying over. We were sitting in my bed watching a movie, his arm around my shoulders. It was a peaceful moment and Josh shifted to look me in the eye. He took a deep breath and said softly, "Elle, I love you."

And there it was, the crux of the problem. I liked Josh, but I didn't love him. I sat there frozen, unable to say a single word.