The Missing Years - a kissing booth fan fiction

Almost

Noah

My conversation with Lee plays on my mind. I think Hayley can tell something is bothering me, but she's giving me time to process it. It starts to eat me up that I have a secret from her, though. I hate secrets. As much as I really don't want to talk about Elle with Hayley, I know I need to.

"Hey babe, I need to tell you about something."

"Oh?" Hayley doesn't sound surprised.

"When Lee was here at graduation, he brought something up. Something I need to do."

"Okay, this is all a bit mysterious, Noah." She puts down her pen and notepad and shuffles closer to me on the sofa.

"I know. I'm sorry. I'm trying to find the right words." I take a deep breath. "Lee's friend Elle, the one you saw in the photos at my house? She and I dated for awhile while I was still in high school, and then my freshman year here. It didn't work out. We didn't really talk for awhile and then...something happened a few years back and we haven't really spoken since. It's pretty awkward because she's Lee's best friend, and her family are friends with mine."

"Okay, I can understand how that would be awkward."

"So, Lee wants me to smooth things over. But he has good reason. You just can't tell anyone this part, okay?"

"Noah, what are you talking about and who exactly would I tell?"

"Well, Lee's thinking of proposing to Rachel...."

"Oh my gosh, that's great!"

"I know, but he hasn't asked her yet, so we can't let anything slip."

"No, of course, my lips are sealed."

"Lee's worried about the rift between Elle and I making things tense at like, the engagement party and the wedding and everything. Hence, his request..."

"For you to patch things up, I get it. Noah, you said you guys dated for awhile when you were younger, but it kind of seems like there's more to the story. What was she to you, Noah?" Hayley asks this kindly, her thumb rubbing circles on my hand as she holds it.

I can't lie, not to her. I swallow. "She was my first love."

"I see, and it ended quite badly, I take it."

Possibly an understatement, but Hayley definitely doesn't need to hear all the details. "Yeah, it did."

"Well that's a hard thing to come back from."

"I know. That's why I've avoided it up 'til now."

"Sounds like you're going to have to face the music, Noah."

"I guess so." I squeeze her hand. "Hey I know this must be odd, me telling you stuff about an ex. Are you okay?"

Hayley quirks a smile at me. "Noah, we're 25. I'd be more worried if you hadn't had relationships before us. Granted it's not your average situation, having an ex that you're going to have to see, but still. I mean, look at you. I'm surprised you haven't left more broken hearts in your wake."

I half smile, and don't tell her that I was the one left with the broken heart last time. "Thank you. For being so...reasonable? Understanding? About all this."

"Hey, it's okay really, no problem." She kisses my cheek and heads into the kitchen, leaving me sitting on the sofa thinking about how and when I'm actually going to sort things out with Elle.

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Life is busy. Both Hayley and I are back working in graduate roles for the firms we interned for last summer, while we try to figure out where we want to work and study for the bar exam. The thing we avoided talking about during our last semester is now front and center of our minds. But the question of where we're going to work, also raises questions of where we're going to live. And that makes me look again at what the future might bring. I'm not sure we're ready for this conversation but it can't be put off any longer.

We could take the easy option and stay here in Boston. That would put off having to make big, possibly life altering decisions. But after spending the last seven years here, we're both ready for a change of scenery. Which means, it's not just talking about moving somewhere, but moving together. Moving in together. It's not like Hayley doesn't basically live at my place anyway, but moving to another city together seems like a bigger deal. It's a step that, once taken, will likely lead to more steps.

We need to actually sit down and discuss this properly, so after dinner I clear the dishes and and sit next to Hayley on the sofa, half turning to face her. I grab her hand in mine.

"Gosh, this looks serious," she gives me a half smile.

"Well yeah, but not in a bad way, I promise."

"Okay...."

"I just want us to have a real conversation here about where we're going. You know, we're both looking at jobs and where we want to base ourselves..."

"Yeah, that's fair. I know I lost it last time, but now is the time. If I'm really honest, I'd always imagined going back home after graduation. I know my family's crazy, but it's been hard to be away from them all this time. I guess I don't see myself living anywhere else long term."

"Alright. I get that."

"What about you?"

"Well, I'd toyed with the idea of staying on the east coast for awhile, but I always sort of thought I'd end up back in California at some point."

Hayley nods, "That makes sense. Noah, I'm not asking you to move for me. It's a lot. It's a big decision and I don't think we're there yet, or really, if we'll ever be there."

I was not expecting her to say that. This conversation isn't exactly going how I thought it would.

"Hayley, now I'm wondering what you think that means for us then? You and me?"

"Noah, the truth is, we sort of fell into this relationship and it's great. It all just kind of clicked and nothing ever went wrong. I love you, and on paper, you and I are perfect. We make each other laugh, we have so much in common, we want the same things in life. We're incredibly compatible." Hayley stops and strokes my face. "We could have a good life together. Travel, adventures, the big wedding with your parents, Lee and Rachel, and my crazy family there. Good jobs, a nice house, kids. We would be happy. We would make each other happy."

None of this sounds bad. "But..."

"We're not madly in love with each other, Noah. You and I both know that, life together, it wouldn't be perfect. Almost, but not quite. At some point one, or both of us would wonder if we'd made the right decision. If we shouldn't have waited for something spectacular. Maybe it wouldn't be until we we're both old and grey, sitting on the porch together. But wouldn't that be the greatest tragedy? If we ignored that missing piece now, and then paid for it in tiny little ways for the rest of our lives. I don't want to grow to resent you, Noah. And it would break my heart to watch you grow to resent me."

A tear escapes from the corner of her eye, and I brush it away gently with my finger.

"I want someone who looks at me like he never wants to look away. And I want to look at him that way too."

I'm kind of stunned. At the same time, I know she's right. She was just brave enough to admit it. I've been madly in love before, and I don't feel that way about Hayley.

"I'm sorry." I press my forehead to hers, and hold her face in my hands, thumbs resting on her cheekbones. "I'm so sorry."

"Me too."

"I love you."

"I know. I love you too."

We stay like that for awhile, just looking at each other.

I ask Hayley if she'll stay the night and she agrees. I don't think either of us wants to let go yet. But every touch, every kiss is a goodbye.

In the morning, she gathers her things and we stand near the door, holding each other. When I kiss her for the last time, a part of me wonders how I could be letting her go. I watch the door for a minute after she closes it, still debating whether to go after her.

But Hayley's right. She doesn't deserve to be anyone's almost.