The Missing Years - a kissing booth fan fiction

Breathe

Noah

We do end up riding up the coast and are now sitting under a tree in a little park, overlooking a secluded stretch of beach. I lean back against the trunk of the tree, while Elle sits cross legged, fiddling with the edge of the blanket. She's close enough that I can reach out and touch her, which I do, lightly resting my closest hand on her knee.

"Hey, Elle, look at me." She does and I keep talking. "I know this is awkward and I'm not overly eager to drag up all this stuff either, but let's just start okay?" She nods and I take a deep breath. I guess the best place to start is when I broke up with her. We've talked a bit before about what happened between us up to that point, but never really what happened afterwards.

"Elle I'm sorry. When we broke up, what I said. I never meant to make you think that you weren't enough. You were always enough. I just so desperately wanted you to make your decisions for yourself, instead of maybe resenting me a year or so down the line..."

She places a hand over mine. "I know. I mean, it took a long time for me to understand, but I get it now. In the end you were right. I'm exactly where I want to be."

I half smile, "I still regret not trying again though. Trying long distance once you got into USC, I mean. I'm sorry I wasn't there, and that you ended up in hospital..." I start to choke up a little at the end.

Elle squeezes my hand. "Hey, that wasn't your fault. I wasn't taking care of myself and I got really run down. The fact that I was sad didn't help, but it was up to me to deal with it. I did though, in the end. I saw a counsellor after that and it helped a lot." She snorts then. "I probably should have kept seeing him though. Then maybe I wouldn't have made my own mistakes..."

Ah, I see we're jumping forward a couple of years now. I still don't know if I'm ready to revisit this, but here goes.

"Yeah, maybe that would have been a good idea. I know I didn't ask any questions that night, and I probably should have, in hindsight, but seeing that note really sucked, Elle."

"I know, I'm so sorry. That doesn't even come close to covering it, but I am. I regret not telling you about my exchange earlier, but I couldn't have dealt with the rejection I was sure would follow. It sounds so stupid, but at the time I didn't even consider that you would want to get back together with me, before or after that night."

I laugh ruefully, "I guess my giving you space worked too well, huh?"

"What?"

"That Christmas, when I couldn't get back, everyone convinced me that I should stay away, not try to swoop in when I was just going to have to leave again. And then, time just stretched on. By the time I came home the next summer, you were moving on."

"You mean you wanted to get back together then?"

"I always wanted to be with you, Elle. I just didn't know if it was right for you. If I was right for you."

The look on her face is pure shock. "I didn't know."

"How could you? I never gave you the chance to outright reject me either. Well, not until..."

"Vegas," Elle says flatly.

"Yeah. Elle I'm sorry I didn't listen more that morning. What you were saying made sense, especially given that you didn't understand how I'd felt during those years before then. I'm sorry I got so angry and stormed off."

Elle laughs bitterly. "That's okay, I think I gave you cause. Besides, it's kind of your signature move."

Ouch. It might have been true, but it still hurts.