The Missing Years - a kissing booth fan fiction

Pull

Elle

My fingers had ached to touch Noah. It had been so long since I'd seen him and even longer since we'd been on good terms. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. I'd let my hand fall back to the cushion next to me and ever since then I had alternated between feeling okay about that decision and feeling like a complete idiot. Today I was kind of leaning toward the complete idiot side. Not entirely because of that particular missed opportunity, but because of the fact that I had avoided him for the rest of the week that he'd been home.

But, I reasoned, there was a big underlying reason why I hadn't followed my instincts with Noah.

Josh.

I still hadn't broken up with him.

In all the turmoil after Thanksgiving with Noah's message and our phone call, I'd kind of spun out and reached my limit of drama. I didn't know what Noah's sudden reappearance in my life meant and I didn't know how I felt about it really. I mean, the little bit of joking over the phone had been nice, it was all too easy to slip into that familiar rhythm with him. And then to see him in person at Christmas, to have it all just seem so okay, had been amazing. Right up until we were alone together.

Then the tension had ratcheted up until it was all I could do to stop myself touching him. I hadn't really been able to look Noah in the eyes after that moment. When we'd been leaving the Flynn's I'd given him a super-brief hug but I couldn't look at him. How do you look at someone like you don't love them?

If I'm honest, I also had a major case of the guilts. Josh was still my boyfriend and I so did not want to be that person again. I mean, the situation was a little different this time than what had happened with Marco, because I hadn't actually done anything, but still. I did not want to cheat on Josh. Or on anyone for that matter. Ever again. But I was paralyzed with indecision.

I didn't know what to do and so I did nothing. I just maintained the status quo. I went to class, I went to training, I hung out with my friends and I saw Josh. I did my best to just get on with my life. I mean, it wasn't as if getting back together with Noah was an option, right? He still lived on the other side of the country and it wasn't like he'd said or done anything that made me think he wanted to try again.

Lee had been pretty adamant when Noah and I first broke up that he would not be getting in the middle and would not be passing along any information about Noah's personal life. So I actually had no idea if Noah had even been seeing anyone, or if he still was. Rachel and I kept in touch and she'd told me about the weekend she had spent at Harvard when she went to visit her cousin there. I knew that Rach had caught up with Noah and had hung out with him and Chloe. But she hadn't made it sound like he'd had a girlfriend then. Still, that had been months ago now.

There was no point obsessing about the past or what might have happened if I'd done things differently. I had to get on with my life. I was walking from class to go get lunch when Lee FaceTime'd me. I had my earbuds in and took his call, stopping to sit on a bench in the sunshine.

"Well hi, best friend of mine," I smiled.

"Hi to you, best friend of mine," Lee grinned back.

"And to what do I owe the pleasure of this call?"

"Well, you know, I was sitting here just eating my lunch and I was thinking how nice it was to not have to share my burgers anymore...." Lee gave me a sly grin and I went to object but he continued. "But you know, also rule no. 35."

Rule no. 35 Always call your bestie every time you miss them.

It was our newest rule, but one that had got me through the time we'd spent apart since Lee went off to Berkeley.

"Naww, so you do miss sharing your burgers with me?"

"Nah, I miss you, but not sharing my food is awesome."

"Shut up," I grinned.

"So what's new?"

"Literally nothing. Tell me about you. How's Alyssa?" This was a topic guaranteed to get Lee talking about himself rather than interrogating me.

"Oh, my God, Elle, she's so smart and funny and cute and..." Lee droned on and I had to admit I tuned out just a little. "...and she used to be a gymnast so she's like really bendy."

"Eww gross, that's as much as I want to know about that, thank you very much!"

Lee's leering smile continued. "Are you sure? I might be able to give you some tips on how to spice up your relationship with Josh, you know?"

"Ugh! No thanks. I don't need to spice things up there. I'm still wondering if I should cool things down with Josh. Like completely."

Lee's face was now concerned. "Look, Elle, I know I kind of pushed you into having a relationship with Josh, but that's only because being with him was making you happy, you guys were having fun together."

"I know, and you didn't push me. Well, maybe you gave me a little shove. But I needed it," I shrugged.

"I guess what I'm saying is, Elle, it doesn't make you happy anymore. Every time I mention his name, you frown."

"I know. It's just, he's a really nice guy and I should like him more than I do."

"That's not a reason to stay with someone, Elle."

I grimaced. "I know, it's just..."

Lee's face became stern. "Elle, it's time to put your big girl panties on and break up with him."

"I know, you're right. I just need to rip the band-aid off and end it with Josh."

"Yep, it sucks but that's just how it is. Dragging this out isn't going to make it any easier."

"I know, it definitely hasn't so far. Okay, I'll do it. Talk to you later."

"Yep, call me tonight. Love you, byeee."

"Love you too, byeee."

I put my phone down in my lap and that's when I saw him. Josh. Standing about 10 feet away, head down, hands in his pockets. I'd been so focused on the screen I hadn't even noticed when he'd walked up. Oh crap. How much had he heard?

He looked up at me with sad eyes and I could tell he'd heard enough. He took a few steps towards me and said, "How about I save you the trouble?"

"Look, Josh, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean, you weren't meant to hear that. Not like that," I stammered, standing up.

"Elle, it's okay. Well it's not, but I'd rather know, you know?"

"I'm so sorry, Josh. Really I am. You're great, it's just..."

He smiled ruefully, "I'm not him."

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

Josh stepped forward and leaned in, kissing me on the cheek. "Bye Elle."

"Bye Josh." He turned and walked away.

I skipped lunch and went back to my dorm, throwing myself face down on my bed. Ugh! That had been just awful. I felt like such an asshole. Mostly I felt bad that I didn't feel worse. I mean, I felt bad about how Josh had overheard me talking to Lee and how he'd been upset. But I didn't actually feel all that bad about not being with Josh anymore.

I would miss his company for sure, but there had never been that rush, or that deeper, undeniable connection that I knew could exist. I replayed Josh's words in my head. "I'm not him."

Him.

Noah.

No, he wasn't Noah, but then how could anyone ever be him? Could anyone ever come close? Noah was my first love, but I'd like to think that he wasn't going to be my only love. Surely there had to be someone out there to make me forget all about him, right? So that he could become just a fond memory, something I'd look back on when I was older and smile about?

I wasn't so sure. I think that, deep down in my soul, I'll always feel a pull towards Noah Flynn, even when I don't want to.