Her Full-Time Apricity

Chapter 19: Walls Down

Chapter 19: Walls Down

Chapter theme: Someone to Stay by Vancouver Sleep Clinic

I woke up to the sound of Kyle’s vehicle’s door being closed.

Looking at the navigation ay saka ko lang nalaman na nasa Batangas na kami. Looks like he had to buy something from the convenience store.

Sa sobrang pagod ko dahil sa nangyari kanina ay agad din akong nakatulog nang makasakay na kami ni Kyle sa Ford Everest niya. I didn’t even asked where we were going. Hindi na rin ako nagreklamo pa nang mag-presenta siya na may alam siyang pwede naming puntahan.

Medyo magubat at madilim sa paligid dahil halos mapundi na ang magkakalayong poste ng street lights. Removing my jacket, I saw a nearby chapel from the opposite direction of the store that Kyle headed at.

Unconsciously, I already found myself taking strides towards the empty but still open chapel. Yakap-yakap ko ang sarili ko habang wala sa sariling lumapit sa kapilya. Literally head empty, there was this urge of stepping inside. Walang tao sa loob, bukas ang ilang mga ilaw kaya naman tuluyan na akong umupo sa harapan malapit sa altar.

I honestly somehow feel uncomfortable.

Not because there’s an eerie feeling of being inside a lone chapel standing in the middle of an uncivilized area.

But mainly because it’s already been like a decade since the last time I stepped inside a chapel, or any church.

Hindi ako maka-Diyos na tao.

Mas lalong hindi ako madasaling nilalang.

Pero ito ako ngayon at nakikipagtitigan habang nakatingala sa sculpture Niya.

More or less than ten years ago...do You remember a kid kneeling and tightly holding her palms together as she cries and pleads for Your help? Natatandaan Mo pa ba kung pa’no siya tahimik na humihiling Sa’yo na sana, kahit sa pagkakataon na ‘yon manlang ay mabiyayaan Mo siya ng kabutihan? I don’t think so. I guess You were too busy hearing and granting the innocent prayers of other kids back then; prayers of wanting to receive precious gifts, of wanting to be out on a trip. Heck all I asked was to have a fucking functional family- a house that I could actually feel at home.

Those were the nights when I would sneak out of my room to rush in our living area where our simple altar is, just to kneel and pray while crying my eyes out after witnessing another gut-wrenching clash of my parents. Those were the nights when I would silently yet sincerely pray because I just got forced to do things that would satisfy them in exchange of my own happiness. Natatandaan Mo pa ba lahat ng ‘yon? O baka pati Ikaw ay nagbulag-bulagan at nagbingi-bingihan na rin tungo sa’kin?

All I wanted was to be loved, to be heard, and to be seen.

All I wanted was to be a normal kid.

Not to be the gifted one.

Not the controllable one.

I never wanted to be the best and I have told You that for a hundred of times back then.

All I ever wanted and wished for was to be finally happy with my family.

But You never listened to me.

Did I make a mistake from stifling my sobs back then that’s why You didn’t hear me? Is this another plan of Yours? Isa na naman ba ‘to sa mga pagsubok Mo? I still have yet recovered from the fuckery You didn’t help me with from back then tapos ito na naman? Hindi na ulit ako nagtangkang magdasal o kahit itungo manlang ang noo ko simula nang hindi Niyo ako tinulungan noong mga panahong kinakailangan ko Kayo.