Coloring Outside the Lines

Chapter Thirty-Nine

"Jordan, you ready?"

"Hang on a minute, let me get my shoes on," I call down to where Jacob is waiting for me.

Once I finish tying my shoelaces, I hurry down the stairs and into the kitchen where Jack is apparently also standing. I freeze and stare at him, mouth open.

"You alright there, Jordan?" Jacob asks, chuckling.

"What's he doing here?" I point towards Jack.

"Gee, I feel the love," Jack rolls his eyes.

"He requested to go with us," Jacob says.

"But Jacob," I turn towards him, expression terrified.

"I know, I know," Jacob says. "It'll be like he's not even there."

"Feeling the love again. Man, is your whole family cold blooded?" Jack shakes his head.

Jack coming with us today is entirely unacceptable. As much of a good friend he is, this is private. We're visiting Ray's grave today.

I turn back to Jack, mouth open. "Why are you coming?"

Jack smiles. "To be respectful."

"Be respectful at home," I draw my eyebrows together.

"Jordan," Jacob gives me a disapproving look. "You're lucky to have a friend who cares enough to go with you."

I sigh and rub my eyes tiredly. He just doesn't understand. This is personal. I don't want Jack there when I go for the first time. I haven't been able to visit Ray's grave yet because I couldn't find it in me. Now that I've had almost a full two weeks without a complete meltdown, I've decided I'm alright to go.

"You know, if it bothers you, I can leave," Jack touches my shoulder.

I sigh again. There's the guilt I'm looking for. "Fine, you can come. Fine."

Together we make it to the car and begin our silent drive towards the cemetery.

******

There is a slight breeze that blows my hair back as I walk. It also suggests that it's going to rain tonight. Summer rains always make me feel depressed and lonely. Isn't it such a coincidence that it just so happens to rain today? Sounds to me suspiciously like a cliché death story. Hmm, isn't that interesting.

The gravestones align and have flowers decorated around them. Some have picture frames or letters from relatives. The amount of families that have lost loved ones here makes me really want to cry since I know, now, what it feels like.

"It's right down here," Jacob observes, stepping down a new row.

We follow in silence as thunder hits above us. My eyes follow the line up and I can easily spot where Ray's grave is. He's down there. He is down there, dead. There isn't a smile on his face. He's not laughing. He's buried underground, not coming back.

I take deep breaths as I approach the grave. I kneel down beside it and place my roses. My fingers lightly trace his name. Ray Samuel Pearson. He never told me his middle name. Samuel. It makes me smile.

Ray Samuel Pearson was my truest love, even for a short time.

Ray Samuel Pearson is now gone.

I am now left feeling more lonely than ever.

Then I feel a hand on my shoulder and realize that though it may seem it, I am not alone. I have Jacob. I have Jack. I have my family that loves me.

"Are you alright, Jordan?" Jacob asks.

I turn to look at him. "I'm fine, yeah. I'm fine."

He looks at me questioningly, and that's when I realize that tears are running down my face and getting my jeans wet. I try to wipe them away to prove that I'm alright, but they keep coming.

I put my head in my hands and shake my head over and over, trying to stop the overflow of memories that come with the name running through my head. I'm overwhelmed with the thoughts.

"Jacob, he's not here anymore. It's so surreal. He's not here. I don't- I don't think I can handle this. I can't go on without him. You don't understand," I shake my head.

Jacob's arms wrap around me and hold me close as I soak his shirt. And, on perfect timing, it begins to trickle raindrops onto us.

"It's okay, you're okay," Jacob whispers. "Hear me with this, Jordan. Ray may not be standing beside you, but he's with you, alright? He wouldn't leave you. He won't give up on you. Don't you dare give up on him. He'll always be a part of you."

I nod my head and his words float through my head and I smile. This is why I need Jacob with me. His words are so comforting to me.

"Can I have some time? I can walk home," I ask quietly.

I sit back to let Jacob up. Before he leaves, he puts a blanket on my back. I thank him.

The rain is already soaking through it, though. My tears blend with the drops of rain falling down my face. My toes have long since gone numb.

The frozen feeling reminds me of when Ray and Jacob left me outside for a full minute when I lost our game. He let me inside and held me there to get me warmed up again. I smile through my sobs.

Looking at my soaked shoes reminds me of the time that Ray brought his friends over. We played Midnight Tag, and Ray ran into a random neighbor's yard with me. When we tried to escape, I tripped over this shoe and brought Ray down with me.

The blanket resting on my shoulders reminds me of when I went to Ray's house to watch a scary movie with Martha as well. Ray scooted me closer and wrapped his own blanket around me.

The starry sky reminds me of my first date I went on with Ray. He brought me up to the hill at the park and we laid on the grass to admire the stars. It was beautiful and an unforgettable experience.

I remember how we went to the dance and I lost the dance contest between Jack and I. Ray had to stay afterwards with me to help clean up.

There were all those days when he would come bother me at work. He would get me into trouble with the customers and constantly sought to annoy me.

At Lizzie's ninth birthday party, he picked me up and put me on the shed and forced me to admit that I knew nothing. We happily are cake with Liz, who was overjoyed.

The thought of Lizzie throws another wrench into my gut and more tears fall.

I think way back to the very first time I met Ray. I was trying to find Jack for tutoring and I made Ray go into the boys bathroom to get him. Later, he came into the bookstore and I learned his name. Ray.

He asked me to come out of class because he was bored. I did. He got me into trouble, but got me right back out of trouble, thankfully. He was a good kid, Ray was.

I remember when my computer broke down and I had to come over to his house and use his. His room was spotless and smelled like disinfectant wipes. He had been prepared for my arrival.

I think back to all the fun says I had with him. There was Mario Kart, Laser tag, Uno, Inception, baking, the sighing game, and all the random conversations I had.

He told me a while ago that giving up isn't the way to go, since life is so short. We live it to its fullest, no matter what hits us or gets in our way. We get through it.

I stand up, taking one last brief glance towards the grave and start on my way back home through the cold. My shoes are filled with water, so when I step they squish under my feet. The cold breeze numbs my face. Even through that, I have this warm feeling. I feel like I'm alright. I'm fine. I can get through this.

My life took an unexpected turn, yes. But everyone's does. We all want our life to be the perfect picture, but in reality, it's not. Sometimes there are colors outside the lines. When you look at it, though, at the end, you can see how beautiful it actually is.

Happiness can be found even in the darkest looking moments. Its up to you to add some color.