The imperfection we called our love | ✔

*Fifty-Six*

The 13th of December of that year was the day Finnick James Windel had died of a drug overdose.

The fact that he had gone like that had been enough to shatter me

With Amanda it had felt like my heart had split into two when she had betrayed me, but this was completely different

It felt as if someone had sunk their hands into my body, rummaging through my ribs and yanked my heart out of my chest

It was the worst feeling ever, not only that, I also might have never known had this specific person not told me, as Finn's family had tried to keep it well under wraps

I had gotten a phone call 3 days before Finn's funeral from Cecily on the landline because I didn't have phone it was smart of her to phone on there

Mom called me from my room, I had felt sort of smug because she said my friend Cecily was on the phone, and she had thought Cecily to be non-existent

I couldn't help but walk smugly down the stairs

Everything leading up to that moment I had seemed to enjoy seemed so stupid now, like tormenting my mother, yelling at my dad, because the second I picked up that phone and greeted Cecily back the words she managed to get out before sobs took over her voice and convulsed through the phone,- I felt something leave my body

''Emily'' she said her voice so small it was hard to imagine Cecily on the other end of this line, she was quiet momentarily before taking in another shaky breath

''Cecily what's wrong?'' I had asked as her voice was scaring me

Mom and dad were pacing in the kitchen still in earshot of me and the phone, probably scared I was asking Cecily for drugs, because they thought me an addict

I rolled my eyes

Cecily took in a shuddering breath

''I wish there was an easier way to say this-'' she began

Without me knowing my heart had begun racing

''Cecily what's going on?'' I asked unable to keep the worry out of my voice

She was quiet

''It's Finn –'' she said rushed

Another beat of silence

''What about him Cecily?'' I demanded, my voice rising

Another beat of silence; this build up was driving me insane

''It's Finn -''

I stayed quiet, mentally willing her to finish

And so she did

''He has passed''

It felt as if a heavy unknown weight had fallen and crushed me

A bit dramatic I know, but I was a teenager it was after all our job to overly dramatize things

In that moment I hadn't believed Cecily, I didn't want to, couldn't bring myself to, it hurt too much to even consider the possibility

I had put down the phone, and sank to the ground mom and dad eyed me warily but they didn't come any closer

I didn't believe Cecily, which was why I begged mom if she could take me to Finn's house for some sort of sign of him being alive because the latter was just too depressing

When we drove past there was nothing there not even his jeep, I wanted to run in knock on the door robustly and demand him to open, but I was in the car with mom, plus the house seemed pretty normal, deserted but normal

''You going in?'' mom asked, eyebrows raised in question

''No it's fine''

In my head I imagined Finn ran away and Cecily had only told me that to help me move on

I didn't believe that Finn was no more around, I wouldn't accept it

I went to school and was enveloped by Rue and Amanda, not in that order, but regardless word had travelled fast

That day had been filled with awkward pats on the back of sympathy and people telling me they were sorry as if they were responsible

I don't think I had fully comprehended what had happened, I didn't believe it, so it was just strange when these people were comforting me for something I didn't think I needed comfort for

For In my head when I would pick up my phone to call Finn he'd pick up and he'd be there like he'd always be

I didn't shed a tear when Cecily had first broken the news, I hadn't shed a tear when I put on my ironed black dress, and asked mom to attend a funeral with me, neither did I shed a tear when I saw his coffin In the church

Before we had gotten into the car to come to the church mom had asked me whose funeral we were going to, and I told her it was my friend's older brother who had died, sticking with the original lie of who Finn was to me

I couldn't exactly tell her it had been my boyfriend for 2 years

But there I was sitting at the church a big picture of Finn staring back at me, this picture looked like it had been taken a while back, I don't think anyone had really any recent pictures of him, I mean in the time that I had spent with him we hadn't taken one picture together

In this portrait he was smiling, his blonde hair fell back and he looked so happy, so ecstatically happy

It broke me

I saw Mrs Windel and Mr Windel sitting side by side, It wasn't the first time I had seen Finn's mother but the first time I'd seen his father, Mr Windel was an image of what I assumed business men looked like, dressed in the smartest suit I'd ever seen

Finn had no resemblance to his father whatsoever

Mr Windel seemed utterly bored out of his mind by his own son's funeral, like Finn had meant nothing to him and my heart broke further

I blamed me not crying on my cold blooded –ness for since the day I heard of Finn's death, I hadn't even felt sadness, I told Rue this and she had said I was not ruthless or unkind I was just going through shock and when the shock lifted and grief hit me like a wave I'd want to be around people who cared about me

I hoped this wasn't true, I didn't want to feel guilty let alone anything

The picture of Finn sat there staring at us all, he looked handsome as handsome as the night of my homecoming, he cleaned up well I knew this first hand

The first tear left my eye, rolled down so slowly in complete agony; I wiped it away just as quickly as it had left my tear duct

And once I started I could not stop

Mom rubbed my back while I sat there and felt my soul pour out of me