The imperfection we called our love | ✔

*Forty-Four*

recently my mind seemed to frequently visit the memory of when I had met Finn for the first time, and I'd ask myself many rhetorical questions such as; if I had known then what I'd be getting myself into seven months deep, would I still have gone forward from there? Would I have done the things that I've done that have led me to where I am at this point in time? Would I even have this crazy relationship with Finn? Or even know these parts of Finn that seemed to have been hidden from the world?

But most of all, if I'd still be around even after what Finn had revealed to me?

honestly, I didn't want to stick around, call me a coward, but I was my father's child, and I didn't want this, I didn't want to go to prison, I didn't want to be linked to some crazy movie mafia shit. I didn't want to be one of the girls that had messed up her life for some stupid guy, the type of girl who threw away her beliefs, morals and core values which she had established for herself over time, because one guy showed her some attention. I wouldn't stoop that low, and I didn't feel like I needed to have him around, like I honestly didn't think I needed him in my life, and yes I don't think I wanted him to leave, I think I liked having him around, knowing that he had my back. This might make me sound so incredibly selfish, - and don't get me wrong I didn't need it; it was just nice knowing that I had that. But this was way too much, and I had begun to wonder if I had been entertaining this for too long.

Maybe that's where I had gone wrong, I had sort of entertained it from the beginning already, like I mean it's not like I've ever imagined Finn and I in the long run, introducing him to my family, and all that.

Initially I didn't even want to be associated with hi, purely for the reason of me not wanting to be labelled anything but; Emily

I knew this was totally wrong, the image was clearly painted in front of me in vibrant hues, but I chose to ignore, even though I knew I should have ended it right there saving both of us from so much future trauma and despair, but I didn't, because I hadn't wanted to. I knew it was selfish of me, but I didn't care, I valued the feeling of safety and comfort, and Finn was like a safety blanket.so I guess I was not willing to give that up; instead I chose to overlook some things instead

Even if it made me a hypocritical selfish bitch

Mom tapped my shoulder, jerking me out of my head

'Blue or red?'' she asked me, holding up two small different colours with the same pattern and design on them

I looked at them, I didn't like either, but I chose to not be a dick about it, I settled on the least ugliest of the two

''Sure it's cute' 'I said nonchalantly unaware of what mom had even asked me

We were out Christmas shopping, it was rather late for Christmas shopping, I had assumed we wouldn't be celebrating this year- I mean it wouldn't be a first time we didn't celebrate Christmas because of mom and dad not exactly on the best of terms, I guess this wasn't one of those time. I honestly had thought it was safe to assume after mom locked herself in her room the day we usually went out for our spree, which was usually the day after black Friday

So to say I was surprised when I saw mom exiting her room, her eyes a bit too puffy for my liking, and she was the most put together I'd ever seen her since everything with dad had started at least

So when mom had told me to get Matt as we were going shopping, it was quite a surprise to me

And even though this was the age of technology and you could pretty much buy everything online, it was mom Matt I's tradition since we were little to go to the stores on black Friday morning to do all our Christmas shopping