The imperfection we called our love | ✔

*Eighteen*

Matt was gone.

I read the note on the fridge, written in Matt's sloppy handwriting, explaining that dad came to fetch him, said he could stay at Dad's new place for a while, and that mom wasn't home so he couldn't tell her

My heart sank

All I had been trying to do these past few days, was find ways to get them together.

But it was kind of hard when he wasn't picking up the phone, - and then I found out that he took Matt

It broke my heart

Maybe I was just a little jealous of Matt.

I missed dad, truly I did, a lot was changing, and I found myself missing my old routine more and more

Soon sadness turned to rage

Angrily I opened the fridge, and slammed it shut again

Frustrated, I decided I was no longer hungry

I went up to my room

I know it wasn't a big deal

But it kind of felt like he chose Matt over me

No, I didn't want him to have to choose between his children, but I also had feelings and a heart.

I went up to my room, and turned the music up to full blast.

It was so loud that for a moment I was worried the neighbours might voice a noise complaint, but my anger overruled my worry

I ripped off my backpack and clothes.

I stepped in the shower, letting the hot water scald my back, I flinched from the heat, then turned around and dunked my head into the water

Fuck him

Fuck mom

And fuck Matt

20 minutes later I stepped out of the shower, into a little puddle of water, almost slipping.

I grabbed the towel rack balancing myself, then pulled three towels out, throwing it on the ground, in hopes of it soaking up the mess

I padded out the bathroom, wrapping another towel around my wet hair; turban style

Throwing on a pair of gym tights and a sweater, I turned down the music, the silence now sounding alien to my ears.

I looked around my room, everything suddenly annoying me

Everything: my all white walls, and white dresser with the purple fairy lights draped across the top like a Christmas tree, my reflection staring right back at me

I ripped the towel off my head, throwing it at the mirror, my reflection now gone, and replaced with a orange towel

I dialled Amanda

Amanda picked up on the fourth ring

''hey gurrl'' she purred

''What you doing right now'' I said, my ear pressed to my right shoulder, trying to keep the phone stable, while I ran my fingers through my wet hair

''I'm at home, chilling, why?''

''Do you mind if I stay with you for - '' I was cut short

''Yes of-course Em, anytime you know you can '' - Amanda said, all to enthusiastic

''Just for a few days of-course'' I added hastily

''As long as you need'' she assured

''Thank you - ''

''Are you okay babe?'' Amanda's voice changed from bright and cheerful to serious and sympathetic in two seconds

Even through a phone, Amanda could tell something was wrong

I sighed, not really sure if I was ready to speak

Amanda was my best friend for as long as I could remember

I caved in

''I'll speak to you when I get there''

''Okay, is your mom dropping you?''

I nearly scoffed over the phone, and then bit my tongue to stop myself

''uh - yeah'' I said instead

''Okay, call me if you need anything else ''

I nodded closing my eyes, then clicked off the phone.

______________________

I packed three outfits, and one pair of pyjamas, toiletries, my laptop, headphones, and charger, as Amanda didn't have a charger adaptor for my phone; she still had her IPhone 5 from primary school

I requested an uber, then slung my bag over my shoulder.

_____________________________________

Amanda opened the door for me when I arrived, hugging me, and sending a questioning glance towards the uber driver

''I thought you said your mom was dropping you''

''She changed her mind'' I said shrugging

Amanda looked at me sceptical, but said nothing as we went up to her room

It was late, and her parents were probably asleep, so we didn't bother to go find them and tell them I was there

She shut her door and we climbed into her bed, Amanda already had her nightdress on, and I didn't really feel like changing

She switched on the TV in her room

We fell into the routine we knew since we were kids, when we slept at each other's house and stayed up late watching shit and laughing till our stomachs gave in.

A few episodes in watching some series called; sex education

''I think Kevin likes me'' Amanda said, her voice barely audible over the sound of the TV

I switched it on mute, afraid I might have heard something else

Amanda's face confirmed I hadn't.

''What!! Really?" I asked unable to contain my surprise.

Kevin was a guy that Amanda had been crushing on since we started at Crescent Oaks

''Oh my god! Tell me everything, when, how and where?''

''It's so amazing Em, I never thought he'd ever notice me'' Amanda said gushing while leaning in to me, so our shoulders rested against each other

''Of course he did, you are beautiful'' I said nudging her

She smiled at me brightly

''Aww babe'' her eyes were shiny, so shiny I thought she might cry

''Don't go soft on me'' I said jokingly, praying she wouldn't cry, because as soon as she started I was afraid I might start too.

I was someone who cried when I saw others cry, I don't know why, I always thought it was weird. It's just that when people cry, It's like their emotions are so 'out-there' written all over their faces, tears of joy, tears of grief, tears of unhappiness.- I cried for it all

There was one time I cried so much when Matt broke his wrist, and he cried all afternoon, and everyone laughed because they said I cried more than Matt, but I couldn't stop, because the look in Matt's eyes was so sad, it broke my heart

I remember worrying that day that I might run out of tears, but I never did.

''Sorry I'm on my period'' Amanda said laughing

I smiled at her

And she squeezed my hand

And we fell asleep to some guy named Otis Milburn's voice saying; that you're going to find someone who is going to appreciate you for who you are, and is going to climb onto a moon for you