The imperfection we called our love | ✔

*Thirty-Seven*

I didn't stay the night like they did in the movies

Instead I picked up my clothes, and let myself out, deciding to walk home

Realistically the distance from Finn's place to mine was quite far.

I wasn't planning on walking the full distance; I just wanted to walk for a bit, as I found walking to be calming and the best time to think

And right now I needed to think

Everything was happening too fast, I didn't think I liked Finn enough for whatever was happening to be happening

I remember Amanda told me, that liking someone was kind of dangerous in a way; because it consumed you, like you'd think about them all the time, imagine the times you'd be together, smile randomly to yourself just merely recalling things the other person might've done or said.

Yet none of these things I was experiencing

To be blatantly honest, I did think about him, though it was more thoughts of his wellbeing, whether he was okay, whether he was sad, or what on earth had happened to him to make him so unsure of the world

And how could I help him

This might sound quite shitty

But I think I cared more about him, than I liked him

Take tonight for instance

What I knew about Finn was that he wasn't really reckless; he was actually really smart about things, so smart that you wouldn't even have known he had some ulterior motive behind something as ordinary as fetching the mail from the mailbox

I also knew that he's been through things......

I didn't know what they were or the intensity of it all, just that it changed his view on a lot of things which in my opinion; is quite sad

Or that Finn believed by not acknowledging something or avoiding talking about it, somehow took away that fact that whatever had happened hasn't happened

Even with staying sober

Sure Finn smoked a lot of cigarettes, and a few joints, but never enough to get him that high, or that wasted, he was always so careful about these things

So what the hell had tipped him off tonight?

I thought of Finn's friends, they were a bit intimidating and scary, but it just made me realize how different our worlds were

Then there was one more thing....

I wasn't a virgin anymore

A while back I read an article about teens and their first times, in one of Amanda's magazines, and I read that your first time generally wasn't supposed to be like hot movie sex, it was more awkward and spontaneous

Spontaneous yes, but I wouldn't say awkward

I also remember from the article that it did hurt for like a few moments, but then afterwards it was supposed to be euphoric and mind-blowing, like you had just discovered a new insane part of yourself you never knew was there

I didn't know if they meant the pleasure was supposed to kick in after like a while, whilst you were still busy doing the deed for the first time, or after a couple of tries, when you had sex more than one time

Whatever it was, in my personal experience it had just been uncomfortable, like I was being prodded by a professor like a science experiment

But sex wasn't supposed to be great the first time right?