The imperfection we called our love | ✔

*Fifty-Seven*

For the next few weeks I rejoiced in my isolation so much so that mom and dad had lifted my grounding

Everything had come down in waves, guilt, betrayal sadness, hurt, anger; I was feeling too many emotions all at once

At the beginning when I had just found out of Finn's death I was afraid that I would go to prison, I know selfish right? My boyfriend had just died and I wasn't thinking about him I was thinking of my reputation and if I'd ever get a good job because I'd now have a criminal record. But there was nothing, no police knocking on my door in the middle of the night ordering mom and dad to open so they could arrest me

That storage place burnt down, I don't know if it was a coincidence or not, I read somewhere that grief awakens paranoia in you, and If this were true it would explain a lot, the fact that I had come up with all these different theories of how Finn had really been killed instead of the way he had died

Suicide

I guess I would never know if it had been intentional or unintentional

But Cecily had told me he had overdosed, evidence clear as day, the syringe was still in his arm when they found his body

The storage place burnt down it was a fault on the staff's side; microwave blew lighting the whole place up in flames

I had known this because when dad and I had been on one of our ventures where we'd drive around where dad could just sit passenger and look out the window as if he were sightseeing and I'd practice driving as my driver's license appointment neared

We'd drove past the storage place and dad indulged me on how when you book something into a container if something were to happen your container, you placed it in there at your own risk and if It were to get damaged the owners would not reimburse you in any way

So Finn's biggest secret had burnt to the ground

Mom never said anything when I had broken down in front of her, she had said nothing when my body convulsed and I wailed, she had just sat there with me rubbing my back, and it was all that I needed then

I didn't think it took a rocket scientist to put together that my relationship with Finn had been deeper than just; my friend's older brother, based on how I had responded to Finn's death

I knew mom knew this, but she said nothing, which I'd thanked her for later

The months that followed after Finn's death were the worst months for me everything had gone by and I'd been numb to everything and I had pushed everything and everyone away

later on I'd come to realize this behaviour wasn't because I was so grief stricken by Finn's death it was more so the fact that it felt like my fault, like I needed to feel pain as it had been my fault he had died, that if it weren't because of me he'd be here, it felt like I had stolen his life from him, because of my selfishness, Which is why I felt like I needed to be punished

I got my driver's license that summer, and usually I'd have been more nervous to these types of things, thoughts on possible failure would run through my mind like electrical currents

But my sadness numbed me to everything and made me victorious nonetheless

Dad got me a car for my seventeenth birthday

A good thing had sort of come, mom and dad had a reason to bond over and restore their relationship, they bonded over their only daughters unhappiness

Pretty morbid, but I had wished for their union and that was exactly what I had gotten

I didn't seem to do much anymore, I went to school, went to work, visited Finn's grave every day bringing him flowers, I know it was stupid, But it made me feel just a little bit better even in death Finn was still helping me feel better about my self

I think I've seen a quote once that goes: the dead receive more flowers than the living because regret is stronger than gratitude

This quote was like direct shade being thrown at me, but it didn't make me stop bringing him flowers

Finn's death had also brought about a newfound purpose of making sure Finn didn't die in vain

Even though he had

People seemed to pity me, and I despised it, no shit I wasn't doing great but I never asked them to feel sad for me there were other things to worry about than Emily's mood today

I seemed to need dope now more than ever but I hadn't known any other drug dealer besides Finn, so this was definitely out of the equation

I just wanted to feel nothing, I longed to feel nothing

Maybe I was an addict?

I was hurting and I didn't know how to deal with the pain, I resorted to means I probably shouldn't have to make the pain go away momentarily

Your body could only feel one type of pain at a time, mental or physical

Physical seemed to work out better for me

mom and dad went berserk when they saw the jagged marks across my arms, as there were only so much times you could wear long sleeves when it was one hundred degrees outside

All of a sudden too much bad was happening all at once

Rue left to go to another school across town, I saw Collin but I stayed away from him because I wasn't in a great place mentally and I didn't want to drag him down with me

I got tired of being so depressed but I didn't know how to get out of this hole I had seemed to put myself in

Mom and dad were constantly at my throat, I guess they had gotten tired of this version of me; depressed Emily

But who could blame them, I'd hate me too

I graduated high school and applied to every university I heard of

I had become sort of ghost version of myself, watching life pass by me hour by hour, day by day and week by week