The imperfection we called our love | ✔

*Thirteen*

The weeks that went past begun to get worse by the day, I thought we would be able to deal with it better, or maybe even the feeling itself would pass, but it never did.

My father still hadn't come home, it had been nearly two months now, my mother was an emotional mess, and Matt was a unsure little kid, who didn't know how to deal with any of it, so he had begun acting out. I guess no one was to blame, because no one really knew how to deal with it.

I wanted things to go back to normal. In general I didn't like things that were new, things that threatened everything else.

I wanted to cry I wanted to scream, I wanted to tell my mother to get her act together, I wanted to tell Matt that the bad decisions he seemed to be making a lot recently, wouldn't change anything. That we were all making excuses for our actions and letting things slip out of orbit

But how could I? When I was barely dealing myself, I just felt the obligation to be strong for them, because who else was going to do it? I couldn't afford to slip.

And I didn't want to react or cry, because by doing that it would be a sign of acceptance. That I accepted the fact that things might change, that mom and dad weren't going to work it out this time. yeah they always had problems, but whose parents didn't? To be completely honest they were never the ideal couple to begin with, they were young when they married, and they might not have had the best motives. my mom got married to get out of her father's house and my dad married because he thought she would make good wife and a mother to his future kids. maybe somewhere along the line they were in love or not 100% at each other's necks, but that was a long time ago, and things change in courses of time. And in this case it was my parents' marriage

And maybe it was wrong or selfish of me, but they were my parents, my home and my family.

As the days went by, I imagined the day when he would eventually come home. Envisioning different scenarios and planning various schemes - up to the one time, where I actually swore that when he came home, I would be a ball of sunshine, be the perfect child, and not give him a reason to ever leave again

Pitiful as it sounds

I missed him

Or at least I missed the thought of him

Then there was the fact that I hadn't really spoken to my friends or anyone for that matter. Because that was just a thing I did; when things got really tough, I pushed people away. That way I could also ignore what was actually going on.

It was hard choosing not to tell anyone your things, I don't know why? - Or why humans were inclined that way, - to want to tell people their problems and daily update of what was going on in their lives.

Another thing included in not talking to anyone, - was not going to the occasional party. I had gone once after Finn and I spent that one weekend together, the weekend which had been so much fun, that for a few moments I forgot that it was my life.

But that all ended as soon as I got back in touch with reality, - which was when he took me home that Monday afternoon.

I thanked him, because I had fun, it didn't change much about what I thought about him, but it was enough that thanking him wasn't a crime.

And maybe I had come across as ungrateful, or even a bitch. - But that had not been my motive. After all how could I be? I mean he took away momentarily sorrow. - And that was the best thing anyone could've given me that night.

I found myself thinking back to that night.

And although it was just a harmless thought, it was a bad sign.

I knew better, I knew his type. - Typical fuck-boy, who would have sex with about every girl because he simply could, the type who was in for the chase, and not for the prize. The prize for others usually symbolised winning, - For Finn it symbolised; the end of the race, and possibly the beginning of a new one.

Yeah maybe somewhere in that time spent, it felt like we were friends, although a weekend sounds like not a lot of time spent together, It surely was enough time to become quite acquainted. I'm not going to lie; I had thought it was possible to maybe even develop some-type of unlikely friendship with him. Until something changed my mind

What I had noticed is that, in the times of periods I spent with Finn, I had gotten peculiar glances from Dave, and almost disappointed/ disgusted looks form Cecily. Initially I didn't care, because I was undoubtedly having too much fun then. - But then it slowly started to pique my brain shortly after that like a cancer; slow, small and insignificant at first, spreading until it enveloped you like a great aunt's embrace.

Going back the Monday where I woke up on Finn's trusty couch, and I recall Finn sitting on his bed, feet hanging off the side, smoking a cigarette and staring off into empty space, where I quickly slipped out of his bedroom and decided then, to use the hall-room bathroom. I also had wanted a little bit of privacy and distance from him and this was the perfect opportunity for that, which I had in mind,

So I was careful enough to slip out as silent as I could, and manage to make it to the bathroom - when one of Finn's two siblings by the name of; Cecily exited the bathroom the moment I put my hand on the doorknob. She looked at me, her eyes skimming over my appearance, taking in my jeans, and another one of Finn's t-shirts, When she finally met my eyes, I saw a look on her face, that I couldn't explain, yet at the same time was somehow familiar, but before I could put my finger on it, she walked away, and it was only till I got into the bathroom, locked the door shut, and my reflection looked back at me in the mirror, did I know where that look was from; A look of calculated distaste and disgust

The look she gave the other girls that Finn hung out with.

As cliché as this sounds I was not one of those other girls. - But Cecily didn't know that, for all she knew we had sex Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and I was exactly like Katherine, Jessica and Freya

I sat down on the toilet resting my head in my hands, rubbing my face up and down, then pushing my hands into my hair, until eventually they rested on the side of my head.

It had then dawned on me.

If she thought that? ....

Well I didn't know for sure, but I could only assume the worst.

If Cecily already thought that, what would others think of me?

They wouldn't believe me if I probably told them the truth. Hell, I doubt Amanda would believe me.

I mean the guy who slept with probably the entire cities population

Okay maybe I was exaggerating a bit.

But a lot of people nonetheless

After all, I had seen him live in action; He didn't hesitate.

All this lead up to the obvious question.

What made me the exception?

Exactly

Absolutely nothing

And just like that my reputation was ruined