Utos Niya

40 LAST

"Where is Erica?"

Noleen's first words to Xander. As usual, laging una pa rin ang trabaho. What did he expect to hear? A declaration of undying love? A warm welcome? A hug? A kiss?

Lumapit si Xander sa asawa at hinalikan ito sa pisngi. The affectionate gesture turned into something else, because after doing it, he wiped his lips with the back of his palm. "It's nice to see you, too. Wife."

"Where is Erica?" Noleen insisted.

"I broke up with her without your permission."

Xander opened the notebook and browsed through the pages. He had seen his wife use this a number of times. Lalo na kapag may gusto itong bagong babae na ipakikilala sa kanya. There was even a time when out of anger, he grabbed it and let it fly across the room. His satisfaction was short-lived when his wife's face crumpled in distress. Napalakas ang bato niya at tumama ito sa kanilang lamesa kung saan natapunan ito ng juice. Xander could remember Noleen's panic-stricken expression as she immediately grabbed the notebook to save the pages from getting wet.

For her to look that way, it must mean that the things written on the notebook were very important to her.

Ngayong nababasa na ni Xander ang mga nakasulat dito, hindi siya ganoon kainteresado. It was the names of the women he had been with for the past two years.

The last entry was of Erica Du Ville.

Xander noticed that in Erica's personal information, wala rito ang pangalan ni Kristian. Noleen didn't know that the two were related?

Na-distract si Xander nang hawakan siya ng asawa sa kanyang braso.

"I . . . miss you." Noleen's admission was accompanied by a tear. It was only a drop at first, and then another.

And another.

Xander blinked.

She missed me? A frown creased his forehead. Ilang taon niya hinintay makarinig ng ganitong mga salita.

Sinungaling.

As another tear left Noleen's eyes, he turned his back on her. Sinungaling. Napakadaya. Papakagago nanaman ba ako?

"I miss you."

Noleen repeated the words and Xander couldn't help but look back in distrust. In anger. But with disgusting hope in his eyes. Fuck. Not again. No. Not this time.

"Xander," there was a break in her voice that stabbed at Xander's heart and his heart can only take so much.

Tangina.

"I-I know, this is hard to believe. B-But I mean it—miss kita." Marahas na kinusot ni Noleen ang mga mata. The way she did it looked painful.

But not as painful as the years had been. Damn. He needed that reminder.

Seeing the anger back in his eyes, Noleen took a step forward. "Please say something."

Xander only shook his head. Sinungaling.

Before he knew it, Noleen covered the distance between them and crushed her weight against him. Hinawakan nito ang kanyang suot habang patuloy na umiiyak.

Napatingala si Xander sa kisame. Hindi siya padadala. She is doing this on purpose. Always on purpose.

Every move. Every gesture. Every word. Everything is done to manipulate him to come back at magpakatangang muli.

Not this time.

Xander felt his wife's arms wrap around him.

God please? Not this time.

Naramdaman niya ang bahagyang panginginig sa braso ni Noleen. His jaw clenched in frustration but his fisted hands remained at his sides.

"M-Mahal—"

He took a shaky breath. "Don't." he stopped himself from saying more dahil tangina, baka kung ano ang lumabas sa bibig niya.

Baka bigla siyang magmakaawa. Baka ipakiusap niya na sana totoo ang sinasabi nito.

How can the words I miss you be so powerful? Xander shut his eyes as he felt Noleen's arms wrapped around him tighter. Of course, those words will be powerful if they came from this woman.

The same woman who has deprived him of words of love and affection for years.

Sinungaling.

"M-Mahal kita." As if he could hear his thoughts, she said the words aloud.

"Tangina." This cruel woman. Is she trying to kill him?

Muli nitong hinigpitan ang yakap sa kanya. Noleen's body was shaking uncontrollably as she cried. Xander could feel every sob in his soul.

"Tigil mo 'yan, huwag kang umiyak... wag mong idaan sa ganyan." He clenched and unclenched his fist. "Ginagamit mo yang luha mo kasi alam mong lalambot 'yung puso ko."

Noleen shook her head against his shirt and hugged him tighter.

"F-Fuck." Xander finally looked down at her. He could only see her head buried on his chest. He could only feel that her whole body was crushed against him.

Bakit ang daya? May kung anong mahapdi sa mata niya. Bakit napakadaya? He blinked and felt a tear run down his cheek.

Ilang beses niya hiniling at ipinakiusap ang ganitong pagkakataon. Ang yakapin siya ng asawa. Ang marinig ang mga salitang mahal kita.

"X-Xander, I'm sorry."

Fuck.

"Bakit ngayon lang?" he couldn't help the break in his voice. "Ilang taon . . .I-Ilang taon 'yon."

Napasinghap si Noleen at tumingala para tagpuin ang mga mata niya.

"M-Mahal, bakit ngayon lang?"

Noleen's face crumpled at his words. But Xander couldn't really see it because his eyes were blurry for the same reason.

"Bakit...bakit napakadaya?" Bakit isang yakap lang parang kaya nitong burahin lahat ng sakit. Bakit sabihin lang ang pangalan niya pakiramdam niya handa na siyang masaktan muli.

"Ilang t-taon . . . Noleen."

Naramdaman ni Xander kamay ng asawa sa kanyang magkabilang pisngi.

"M-Mali ako." A worried sob escaped her lips when Xander closed his eyes and more tears fell.

Xander finally moved his hand to hold her wrist. He needed to pull her away but he fucking found himself leaning on her warmth drawing unsteady breaths . . . Seeking comfort from the same woman who made his life hell.

"I-I'm sorry, Xander. I'm sorry. Mali ako. "

Dear God, despite everything, why does he love her so much?

"Mahal kita." The words slipped his lips. "Pero hindi ko na k-kaya. . ." He swallowed hard and shook his head. "Taon, Noleen. Taon 'yon. Mag-asawa tayo pero uuwi ako sa'yo galing sa k-kama ng iba, ang dumi—."

"Sshh. No. Please. . . Wag mong sabihin 'yan." He felt her lips on his cheek. "Mali ako. Mali 'yon." She said the words with a shaky breath. "Wala kang dapat gawin."

Noleen Castillo who refused to backdown on anything said she was wrong.

She said she was wrong.

Isinubsob ni Xander ang ulo sa balikat ng asawa at niyakap ito nang mahigpit. Gusto na niyang magpahinga.

Magpahinga sa buhay na pinapatakbo ng ibang tao. Kung saan ang bawat kilos, bawat pagsunod, bawat pagkakataon ay ginagawa para tanggapin. Para mahalin.

Mula pamilya Marudo at ang kanyang ama, ang kanyang kuya. . . si Noleen na kanyang asawa.

"Wife, I only wanted to be with you." Xander's words were muffled on Noleen's shoulder but it was clear. With how he gently held her. It was felt. "We wasted our time."

A sob escaped her and Xander held her closer.

"Noleen, mahal kita pero... ang hirap patawarin ng ginawa mo sa akin. And for what, Noleen?"

As silence filled the room, Xander found the courage to let her go. He left her arms and asked again. Seeking answers. "Para saan ang dalawang taong 'yon?"

"T-The girls . . ." Noleen started, stuttering. Unable to look Xander in the eyes for the first time. "T-The list are all of your brother's women."

"I know." Xander couldn't help the sternness in his voice.

"I wanted you to be with them because . . ."

"You wanted me to be like him?" He visibly saw his wife wince.

"No!" Kinuha ni Noleen ang kamay ni Xander at pinisil ito, staring at him with worried eyes. "No, Xander, of course not."

"Then what for?" Xander exhaled. "I have completed your list. I have followed your orders blindly. What do I get from all of this?"

"I-I am not going to ask you to forgive me."

"Kahit na manghingi ka, hindi naman kita patatawarin." Ayan nanaman ang nakakagagong pagpiyok sa boses niya. Muling napahinga si Xander ng malalim.

"Xander . . ." Noleen tightly embraced him. "L-Love," she choked on the endearment, the word seemed foreign but welcome to Xander's ears.

Napakadaya pa rin. 

"H-Hindi kita mapapatawad, Noleen." He whispered back. The words belied what he really feels. Hearing her say his name, hearing her call him 'love' has frustratingly lifted a heavy burden in his heart.

With her voice full of remorse, Noleen declared, "Keep remembering the crimes I have done. Never forget the things I made you do. Keep thinking how unforgivable that was and make me responsible for the rest of my life. Because, Xander . . ."

Niluwagan na ni Noleen ang pagyakap sa asawa at matamang tiningnan ito.

"I'm the last woman on the list."

When the admission left her mouth, it finally dawned on Noleen. "X-Xander, I-I want the same peace as the women on that list. I want to be able to move on from Alex Marudo." I want to be free of him. Free of the past. Free of the guilt. 

Xander caught Noleen as her knees gave in. 

"I-I want to be happy with you." Noleen covered her mouth, not wanting another sob to escape her.  

Hope filled Xander's heart. "Wife, I want that too." Naupo siya sa sahig kasama nito. He found his hand caressing her face. His fingers carefully tucked the strands of hair behind her ear. "I really want that with you. Simulan na natin."