The Misfit

No sleep

Sleep is one of the best parts of life, it brings peaceful moments. Sleep can alter an attitude, emotion, even somebody's day. That is why it is so annoying that I can't fall asleep. I have been lying in bed tossing and turning for about two hours. At one point I just stared up at the ceiling.

Deciding that I'm not going to fall asleep any time soon I decided to get up. I grabbed my sketchbook and a pencil and made my way downstairs. I tiptoed past all the sleeping boys on the couches. I went to the kitchen, made a warm cup of tea, and went out to the patio by the pool and sat on the swing. I turned on the dimmest light so I wouldn't wake everyone up.

I looked out at the pool and let my thoughts run wild. Then the fight between me and Alex came to mind, I looked down at my tattoo on my wrist and lightly rubbed it with my thumb. I was still hurt by what he said to me, but I don't blame him. At the time I was mad at him but then I slowly realized the only reason someone is truly angered by another's words, is when those words are brutally honest.

I guess I had piggy backed off by his friends. I will always be the little sister of their best friend. I can't even start with Warren if my feelings became known it would end horribly. On the very slight possibility that he does like me, Alex would feel betrayed. I guess I have to get used to distancing myself from them, especially Warren.

I will never be the type of girl that Warren would want. I mean look at me who would want the fat girl who is traumatized by what another man has done to her. And that is one of my deepest fears, people think I'm disgusted because of what he did. I'm scared of people seeing me the way I see myself.

I don't think I could handle it if any of them found out. I let myself slip from my reality and into a perfect dream. But I need to wake up and do what is best for everyone else, which is distancing myself.

I took a deep breath and exhaled all my thoughts. I looked down at my sketch book and what was on the page shocked me. I don't remember drawing this, but it is the perfect representation of how I feel.

My thoughts are poisoned, and this poison is spreading like wildfire in my head. My mind is overgrown with deep thoughts, they are planting their seeds and growing roots. There are only dark ones now, leaving no room for the light. It's the most suffocating feeling I have ever felt.

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I woke up in a jolt knocking my sketch book out of my hand. I must have fallen asleep out here. I looked up at the sky and there was barely any light illuminating the sky. I knew it couldn't be later than six o'clock. I sat up and stretched while trying to rub the crook out of my neck. After picking up my stuff and making my way through the patio doors that led into the kitchen.
I stood by the counter while my coffee brewed. My eyes aimlessly landed on the boys cuddled on the couch. I felt a soft smile play on my lips, but it quickly faded when I thought about last night. This is all I will be able to do from now on, see from a distance. When the coffee was done brewing, I stood there looking at them. I took a sip of piping hot coffee, sometimes I think if the coffee is hot enough it will wake me up. And I was right as I felt the burn on my tongue and down my throat if felt an adrenaline rush.
I heard a ping on my phone that pulled me from my thoughts. It was a test from my mom reminding me to go on my morning walk, and that I had to go to my fitting for my bridesmaid dress. I rolled my eyes the time where they are must be ahead of our time zone.
After a quick shower I made my way out the front door. I decided to do both the walk and the fitting I would walk there. It is currently eight and my fitting isn't till nine, so I have time.

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I finally made to the dress shop, and let's just say I have been trying to delay this the best I could. I took a big breath and walked in. I looked around and saw so many beautiful dresses displayed on the few manikins around the store.

Once I saw one of my favorite people behind the counter, I put a big smile on my face. There is only one bright side to this appointment, seeing my aunt Megan, who has owned this shop since she was twenty. "He sweetie I haven't seen you in so long come give me a hug". She said as she ran around the counter and crushed me into a hug. " it's so good to see you aunt Megs, it's been busy lately". I said while relaxing in her embrace. She pulled away and held me at arm's length. "You are still as beautiful as ever" she said, and I blushed and did a slight eye roll.

Megan has always been my personal hype woman. Every time I see her, she showers me with endless compliments. I think she understands my struggle with my self-confidence. That is because my aunt is also plus size and always has been, I have no doubt that my mom tormented her because of it.

"Now I saw the order that your mom put in for your dress and let me tell you it was hideous". She said in a blunt way. I sighed in disappointment, but I wanted to be surprised. "But don't be too upset because your absolute favorite aunt may or may not replace you dress with something ten times better." She said while clapping her hands. I looked at her with a confused expression " won't I stand out? I mean aren't they supposed to be the same?" She looked at me with a mischievous smile, "Nope they are all different so I thought what could be the harm". I nodded with an unsure smile and mumbled an 'ok'.

I made my way back to the dressing room while she was going into the back to grab the dress. I'm incredibly nervous, I have no doubt about my aunt's style choices, the problem is myself. I know whatever dress I put on I won't look good. It's the way my body is shaped, that's why I have never had the desire to wear a formal dress and I thought I would never have to. But I guess there is a first time for everything.

"Ok Franny why don't you slip this on, and I will be right out there if you need any help" she said while handing me the bag that had the dress. She left and I hung the bag up on the hook that is on the wall. I took a deep breath and slowly unzipped the front of the bag. The color was gorgeous it was an emerald green. I ran my fingers over the soft material and contemplated if this was a promising idea.

I took the dress off the hook and shimmied it on, while being careful not to wrinkle it. I slipped on the heels I brought with me and took a deep breath. I walked out slowly because I was not used to walking in heels. Once I reached my aunt's desk, I cleared my throat in an awkward way. She whipped her head around and gasped.

I must look bad if I got that reaction I thought. She slowly put her hand to her mouth and tears were forming in her eyes. " You look amazing; my little girl has grown up. I smiled "you do realize I'm not the one getting married?" She swatted my arm and led me over to where the mirrors were. I looked at my reflection and saw something I never expected. I looked pretty; this caused a little smile on my lips, which displayed my dimples.

"You don't think the v cut is too much" I said looking at my aunt in the mirror. "No, I think it is just, right? I made this dress just for you". She said while shaking her head. I sat there with a smile on my face and stared at my reflection.