The Misfit

Unattainable

What does one do when they are faced with something that feels completely unattainable? Do you give your last effort, or do you throw in the towel and walk away defeated.

There are many things in my life that feel unattainable, but I still work for them. Now, does that make me hopeful or am I considered a fool? This question will probably end in a dreadful answer that leaves me me completely broken.  But only I am the one who will experience the fallout. I am selfish for hoping someone will be there to soften the blow.

                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~-

"I think it's time guys" I say to the boys with a heavy sigh.  It has been a week since I overheard the conversation between the boys, and I can't shake the feeling of  guilt and anger.

"Are you sure it's not too soon? maybe stay a few more days." Asher suggested in a careful tone.

Ever since I over heard their conversation I have tried to distance myself. I feel like if I'm close to them and ask for their help it's putting them in an impossible situation. They would have to choose between me and him.

As much as I am mad and feel betrayed by Alex, I will not destroy his friends and leave him alone. Behind my anger for him there is still my love for the older brother that I adored.

"Yeah you shouldn't go back there is no way that's happening." Ren said. I think he has been taking my behavior the hardest the past few days.

I was feeling overwhelmed, all they ever do is tell me my decisions are wrong. little do they know I have made this decision for them.

I turned to look at him with a tired expression, "well good thing it isn't your decision, because it's happening." I said. But as soon as I saw the look on his face there was instant regret flowing through my body. As soon as I started to apologize for my tone he got up and headed toward to the door.

When he reached the door he paused and said something that tore me apart. "Fine go if you want but don't come crying to me if he does anything else." He slammed the door and it left the rest of us sitting in complete silence.

I cleared my throat and stood up, "I should go pack." I said trying to avoid their comments and drilling eye contact.

I went to Rens room but it felt different when I walked in. It didn't feel like when I first wondered through this door. Then I felt like this was a welcoming place,  now I feel like an intruder, an imposter, trying to take refuge in a place where I don't belong.

When the door closed behind me I slid my back down the door and sat on the floor. I had one hand clasped over my mouth to conceal the sobs that are about to rack through my body.  My other hand was in a tight fist by my side, I felt my nails dig into the surface of my hand. I ignored the sting, but surely it will leave marks on my hand.

But that's how physical and emotional pain are similar. They both leave a mark on you, but one will heal and the other feels like it will last an eternity.

                         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I sat in Brooks car silently staring out the window at the hot sun and bright blue sky. I tried to walk but Brooks wouldn't have it he forced me in the car.

Once we got to the house we sat in the car for a few minutes before I reached for the door Handel to get out I felt Brooks grab my hand stopping me, causing me to turn my head to him.