A Court of Shadows and Secrets (ACOTAR FANFIC)

Chapter 31

Feyre, Amren, and Rhysand had left for the Summer Court in the morning. After a goodbye to Feyre, Kali seemed to have fallen off the face of the earth. 

Throughout the day, no one could find her and Azriel was becoming more on edge as the minutes ticked by. 

As the sun set, Azriel found himself alone in the House of Winds, growing more worried by the second. 

He had reached out through the bond only to find a wall blocking the other side. He had no idea where she was or what she was doing. 

He was on his feet the second he heard the front door open. Making his way out into the hallway he found his mate, safe. 

"Where have you been? We've been looking for you all day." Azriel asked sternly, allowing the anxiousness he felt to show. 

"I was clearing my head. Exploring the city...I just... I needed time to think." She answered as she sat down by the fire. 

A pit formed in Azriel's stomach. A horrible feeling that told him he was the object of her disorganized thoughts. After a moment of silence, Azriel asked carefully, "Think about what?"

Her tormented violet eyes finally met his and he knew his gut feeling was right. 

"...Do you want to keep the bond a secret because you are still in love with Mor?" She asked. Her voice didn't falter, didn't break. 

Azriel froze for a moment, so taken back by the absurd thought that he didn't answer immediately. 

"If you love her Azriel, I am in no position to stand in your way. But I refuse to be the second choice to a male just because the Cauldron tied you to me... I would prefer you tell me now if you're going to reject the bond rather than continue this dance of ours." The only time her voice faltered was on a single word, 'reject'

The realization struck him like a bolt of lightning. 

She thought he was going to reject her. 

He thought back to his actions the past few days. How he practically demanded they keep the bond a secret. How he pretended they weren't mates around Rhys and by extension Mor. He suddenly recognized how it may have looked to her and it snapped his heart in two. 

He moved quickly in front of her kneeling so that he was looking up at her seated form. His scarred, unclean hands rested on her leather-clad thighs. 

His face was filled with horror at the thought that she felt rejected by him. 

Azriel felt completely and wholly unworthy of her and yet here she sat fearing that his heart belonged to someone else. 

Azriel had been in love with Mor, for centuries. But every desire he had for Mor seemed to fade the moment that bond snapped into place. As if she had just been the placeholder until Alya showed up. 

"Alya..." Azriel whispered the pain he felt rolling down his tongue alongside the letters of her name. 

She looked at him, steeling herself for her imminent rejection. Waiting for him to tell her that he didn't want her. That she was too broken, too flawed. 

But he didn't. 

His callused warm hand cupped her cheek as he struggled to find words. 

"I'm... not good with words. I'm very poor at expressing my feelings and I'm sorry my shortcomings have caused you pain... My Alya...  I did love, Mor... for a long time." He watched as she flinched at his words. She began to pull away but he held her close, frantically trying to get his point across better. 

"Don't misunderstand me, Alya... My love for Mor disappeared the moment I met you. I have been yours entirely since the moment our eyes met... I would die before abandoning you. How the mother blessed me with a mate so far above me, I will never know. But Cauldron am I thrilled she did. Even if you were to reject me now Alya, I would be yours for the rest of my eternity. There is no other who I would be able to look upon, you are it for me." His thumb carefully traced her cheek. 

His face pulled in desperation, begging her to believe him.

"If that's true-"

"It is... Cauldron, Alya I have never spoken such truth in my life."

"Then explain to me why you don't want anyone to know." Her voice was quiet, broken. 

He had hurt her and he hated it. 

"Because I'm a fucking coward. I'm a coward because I wanted you to be mine without Rhys breathing down my neck. Because we are in a war, and I have so many enemies, and I am terrified of our bond putting a target on your back... Most of all I'm a coward because I didn't want to tell your father, that all I want to do is fuck you on every surface of his house."

She leaned towards him, their noses brushed against each other in proximity, "So my father is the reason you are so ashamed of me?"

"I never have and never will be ashamed to have you as my mate... Even if you are an obnoxious brat." Azriel smirked leaning closer.

"...Well daddy's not home now." A dark look took over Kali's features as she looked down at Azriel, still on his knees in front of her. 

His arousal spiked as his golden eyes darkened. 

She stood from the chair walking around him, he rose to his feet following slowly behind her. They made their way into the kitchen and Azriel froze, finally realizing what she was planning. 

She moved quickly, crafting a simple peanut butter and jelly sandwich and placing it on a plate in front of him. 

He reached for it but she slid the plate back towards herself, looking at him seriously, "Do not eat this thoughtlessly, Azriel. There is no going back... I am yours. Eating this makes you irreversibly mine... I want you Azriel, but I will have you completely or not at all."

Azriel looked at her, a pain shot through him that his mate was even considering the possibility that the bond was the only thing tying him to her. 

As if he would just fuck her to get it out of his system and then go running back to Mor. 

"Alya... sweetheart... light of my dark world... give me the fucking sandwich."