Children of The Fallen

Chapter 32: faking it

Dane Brooks

Thankfully the suns going down because I needed fresh air. I'm a fucking idiot. Outside against the siding of the house I lean on my knees shaking my head, wondering how the fuck this all happened. And not her breaking up with me- how our relationship got to that. I'd ask myself that all the time. How the fuck did this happen? How did I get here? I loved her for the longest time. She's one of the most genuine souls I've ever come across in the 344 years I've been alive. She's beautiful inside and out, she's perfect. She brought down my walls and allowed me to not be just Lucien's son. I let her in, I let her see me, I stopped pushing her away and let her love me just as I let myself love her. So when I lost feelings for her I couldn't fathom why.

How could I just not feel anything for this girl? Why did it stop? When did it stop?- When did reality cross over into playing pretend? I wasn't playing pretend well enough because obviously she saw through it. She's always seen straight through me- so clearly I'm the dumbass here for thinking she wouldn't.

She knew that I didn't feel the same way anymore and she still stayed with me. I don't deserve to hurt right now but it hurts me that she was in pain- that I caused her pain. That she loved any attention I gave her even though she knew I was faking it. That she waited for me to be done with her. That she thought I was repulsed by her. And that she gave me her all and then some hoping that I'd return to some semblance of the man I used to be to her. All while I gave nothing- nothing real. God, I'm an awful person.

"I just passed Whitlock's room and heard her crying, what'd you do?" Victoria snaps me out of it. I let go of the ring attached to my necklace I didn't even realize I was holding tightly.

I stand back up straight as the ring hits against my chest. "She broke up with me." I state as Victoria takes out her lighter and brings it to the cigarette in her mouth.

Her eyes widen, halting lighting her cigarette. "Oh shit really?" She shrugs and continues lighting it. "It's about time. Good for her."

"What?" I question.

"Honestly I thought you'd be the one to break up with her." She says inhaling. "I'm glad she did it though."

"You thought I'd-."

She shoots me a look. "Dane, it was extremely obvious that you didn't love her anymore. It was quite annoying watching you stay in a relationship when you felt nothing."

I furrow my brow. "How-."

"I've been around a while Dane I'm not saying I'm fucking Sherlock Holmes but I'm fairly observant. I mean the only time I ever saw you and her together was when there were other people around. You always looked like you were tense and she just stared at you like a puppy." She inhales again. "So why'd you let it go on this long?" She blows out smoke. "If your feelings were gone and you knew she was still head over heels, why continue?"

"I'm an idiot." I state.

"Well I know that."

"I don't know. I guess I was just used to her."

She scoffs. "How romantic."

"No, I was comfortable." I backtrack and she still grimaces at me. I pause for a moment gathering my words before I make this worse. "We were both comfortable for a long time, even post honeymoon phase. We were good. Then I don't know, everything just stopped for me." I lean back against the wall crossing my arms. "At one point she was my everything. I still love her Vic, I mean for a long time she was... she was my person. That doesn't just go away but I'm not in love with her. I haven't been for a while and it's on me that I didn't end it right when I stopped feeling that for her."

"Again why didn't you? Don't say you're an idiot I'm well aware."

"I thought it was just a rough patch. I thought I'd give it some time and it'll all come back but some time turned into some years." I shake my head at myself. "I didn't want to break her heart, I didn't want to hurt her. I knew that I was her everything and she depended on me for a lot. I didn't want to take that away from her."

"Whitlock's not that fragile. She's a big girl she would've picked herself up eventually." She says taking a drag. She's not wrong, she's actually one of the strongest people I know. Going through what she's had to go through and still having a smile on her face.

"I know. I don't know- I thought that if I stayed with her and continued trying then I'd spare her from having to deal with a breakup and my feelings would come back. Clearly I was wrong."

"Staying with her when you don't love her anymore probably hurt her much worse than any break up would have."

"I know that." I look down at the floor feeling tears prick behind my eyes. I just kept digging the hole deeper for myself didn't I? "I really never wanted to hurt her. I hate myself so much for losing what I felt for her. She's amazing, truly. I hate that I lost it, I hate that I couldn't get it back, and I hate that I stayed with her long after it was gone." I take a deep breath. "I fucked up."

"You did."

"Fuck." I whisper, rubbing my face.

"Did you apologize to her?" She asks.

"Not nearly as much as I should have." I say staring off at the landscape darkening as the sun sets behind us.

Out of all the things I've done in my life. I don't think I'll regret anything more than ruining this. I don't like hurting people, I never have. Her especially. I never wanted to hurt her. Never. But that's all I did.