Bernice

34

May 23
Kaylee,

It has been a couple of weeks since Lonte got charged. I have been struggling a lot. I have never raised a child and now I have to do it all alone which is worse. I'm worried that I will fail my baby. Bernice and my mom said that they'll be able to help me. My mom has been bonding well with Ezra even though she still hates the idea of me and Lonte together especially now that he's in jail.n

Ezra started crying through the baby monitor which disturbed my thoughts. I immediately got up and went to get him for his nap. I made a schedule for him so that it'll be able to keep me on track with his feeding and nap time. He doesn't sleep during the night which is draining for me.

After changing his diaper, I made sure he was fed. My phone started ringing. I answered it while holding Ezra with one arm. "Hello?" I didn't even look at the caller ID. I heard a lot of crying. I removed the phone from my ear and looked at the caller ID.

"Shanay what's going on?" I asked. I heard some shuffling happening. "Shanay," I called. "Can you please come and help me pack my stuff? I have to be out of here before he gets back." She quivered. I hope he did not put his hands on her. I put the phone on speaker and sat it down so I could properly hold Ezra. "What happened sis?" I am way past worried now. I am furious.

"Can you please come and I'll explain everything?" She asked. I sighed. "I'll be right there." I mentioned. I got me and the baby ready and headed to her. She does not seem like she's safe there. If Joseph put his fucking hands on her I'm going to fuck his stuff up in that apartment. When Shanay opened the door, they are bruises on her face. I could tell these bruises weren't old ones they were fresh ones. "Did Joseph put those bruises on your face?" I asked. She stayed quiet and that is when I knew.

"He did, didn't he?"I yelled. Because of my yelling Ezra woke up and started crying. She nodded her head yes before I got Ezra from his car seat. "It's ok Ezra. It's ok." I soothed him. I turned towards Shanay. "How many times has he hit you?" I asked calmly. Shiny would have not called me if this was his first time. She would've stayed and said it went happen again. She sat on the couch and wiped her tears with her eyes. "Several." She stated.

She reached out to take Ezra and I gave him to her. "Why didn't you tell me?" I wondered. "You would have told me to leave him and I would not have listened to you." She responded. That is exactly what I would have told her. There are so many women that stay in domestically abusive relationships that end up dying because they refuse to leave those relationships. I will make sure she's not one of them. "You need to." I exclaimed. "And that's what I'm trying to do. Can we please now go pack my stuff?" She pleaded. I nodded.

We went upstairs with Ezra in her hands. She put Ezra down on her bed and I put a show on the tv to keep him distracted. We were able to pack almost all of her stuff. "Permit me to fuck his things up." I said. "Girl do whatever you want." She laughed. She lay on the bed next to Ezra. I went downstairs and started messing things up. I broke plates, put syrup on his tables, and then I broke his tv. When he gets back he'll know never to hit any woman again. He needs to learn that lesson.

August,

I don't know how I am going to survive here. The longest I've been in jail has only been like four days. I have kids now which makes this even harder. Bernice has a lot of support but it is not the same without me. My kids need me. I'm their father and I have messed everything up for myself, Bernice, and the kids. Bernice is supposed to start school soon and I'm supposed to be there to get her through it with the kids.

One of the guards opened my cell that I share with someone. "Alsina you have a call. " She informed me. I got off my bed and followed her to where the telephones are. "Hello." I answered. "Hey, babe. How are you doing?" The love of my life asked.

"I'm aight. How are you and the kids?" I asked. "The kids won't stop asking about you." She informed me. I sighed. I hate how I can't be in their lives. I know that I must be a horrible father. "August, I think you should let them see you." She suggested.

"I know. I just don't want them to see me like this but if it makes them happy I guess you can bring them on your next visit." I agreed. I don't want them to turn out like me. I wanted them to stay far away from the implications of this place. It's not a good place for kids to be.

"Really???" She questioned. "You can." I confirmed.  She told me that she's been feeling sick lately. She's been vomiting, having headaches, and feeling tired. I asked if she could be pregnant. She told me that there was no way because she is on the pill.

I tried to get her to do one just in case but she was adamant about doing it. If she is pregnant, we're doomed. There's no way she'll be able to take care of three kids and theirs already two under 5. That's already a lot to handle.

"Bye." She roughly said. "Bye." I sighed. Now she's mad at me for not listening to her about the pregnancy situation. I just hope she's not because we aren't ready for another child especially when I'm in jail. I thought that I'll marry her before we have any more.

Lonte and I are in different prisons. The judge thought it was better to keep us separate. I don't know why, it's not like we'll cause any trouble here. Lonte is a couple of hours away. I rarely talk to Kaylee and my mom. My mom understands why I do what I do. She doesn't like it but she gets it.

I know Kaylee is struggling. I can't imagine how she's raising Ezra on her own. I know that she can do it. Kaylee has always been strong. This might wear her down a bit but she'll pull through.

The days quickly passed by. I get to see my kids today. When I last spoke to them, they were excited to see me. I allowed Bernice to tell them where I am to make it easier for when they see me. They will be coming at 2. They will be here at exactly that time. When Bernice says what time she'll be coming, she means it.

The hours passed by slowly and by 2:30 there was no sign of Bernice. She couldn't be just late something had to have happened. I'm not sure what. I asked one of the guards if they can allow me to make a call. I called Bernice and she didn't pick up. I grew more worried. I called my mom and she said she'll check on her.