Burning Heart // CL16

Three

Post-race Ferrari party, Australia 2022

"Unlucky," I tell Carlos as I sit down next to Isa, raising my glass in form of a condolence to him and smile softly as he raises his pint back at me in thanks. There was a party going on right now around us but based on the vibe of this table...there was no point in having a party.

This obviously wasn't true because as I'd heard someone say earlier - it was the first time that a Ferrari driver had achieved a Grand Slam since 2010...someone called Alonso who was now racing for a team called Alpine?...I think? So there was a lot to celebrate, Charles had now won two out of the first three races of the season and last years champion, Max Verstappen, had suffered two DNFs. It looked to everyone as though Ferrari were the car to beat and specifically Charles was the driver to beat.

I just nod along to the conversation that continues as I look around the party around us, a lot of alcohol was flowing and happy Italian chatter that just made me more than a little uncomfortable because it was just so foreign to my life at home. I did events if people wanted to pay me decent money for it so I was used to things like this...but I also hated it and this specifically was not enjoyable in the slightest, if I did it, I always insisted that Kiraz came with me like a safety blanket and right now I felt naked.

That's not to say I felt alone, I'd gotten comfortable with Carlos and Isa, having grabbed food with the pair of them last night when we all left the track together and quickly realised they were a sweet couple - not overly affectionate but clearly very fond of one another and they were kind enough to give me a crash course in all things F1 that I should know about. Including the fact that it was an accident involving Charles' godfather that led to the introduction of the halo - a fact that I really wish I had known before speaking to Charles. A quick google by myself that night gave me a lot more background on the halo as well as Charles and I won't lie...I might have gotten a little bit pulled into a wormhole of videos of Charles. Just a couple, not many, but enough to make my heart ache for him a little as I learned of the rather hard journey he'd had leading up to F1 as well as his time during.

Fortunately, we hadn't had much of a cross-over last weekend or this weekend. I left him and Marian alone, seriously not wanting to get involved in whatever it was that was going on between them as they seemed to go about their life with each other just like that. They weren't 'together' in the conventional sense like they wanted to be, both more focused on their own stuff than they were about one another. Quite frankly, they looked miserable. Well, not miserable ...but not happy, they seemed indifferent around one another and it was beyond interesting to watch from a distance as their behaviour changed and the masks dropped when they thought no one was watching. I would have loved to have not watched but every time he was near me, I found myself unable to fight the urge to look at him. The only reassuring factor is that he seemed to notice when my gaze wandered to him and I would frequently see him looking back at me, locating me in seconds and making me feel seen in the busy garage as he offered what I told myself was a polite smile and nothing more. He didn't approach me and honestly, I was okay with that because it meant that I didn't need to apologise for not knowing about Jules or the halo situation...not that I particularly thought I needed to because it wasn't like anything had been said with malicious intention but I got the feeling that perhaps it would help.

But I was a coward and whatever there was that was going on in my body when he was around was something I didn't consent to happening and so I kept my distance, remaining painfully aware of his presence in the garage and the wider paddock. Speaking of the man of the hour, there's a cheer from behind me and all three of us turn around from the table we are standing at to see Charles enter, Marian on his arm and a bright smile on his face. I lazily clap with one hand against the bare skin of my thigh that was exposed by the slit in the dress I was wearing before quickly turning back to Carlos and Isa, talking about anything that wasn't his race result or Charles' - instead they filled me in on another driver who had apparently gotten points in a real bad car after a ballsy strategy where they didn't pit him until the last lap. That was the point at which they both explained to me that it was a rule that people had to pit but that him doing it so late had somehow really helped. I didn't totally get it but I could understand that it was apparently ridiculously impressive and so I just smiled and nodded as they both laughed at the blank expression on my face.