Burning Heart // CL16

Eighty One

"There's a surprise for you by the way... I hope you're going to like it," I tell him as we walk into the track, Charles carrying Ruby in his arms as he carries an umbrella over our heads to protect us from the pouring rain. I was terrified of the track today... it was crazy but I needed to try and hide that from Ruby as she lay her head against his chest. I don't know why I was even telling him this after the dramatics of last night but I find it entirely impossible to conceive of being angry at him. Especially when I'm not actually angry with him but with myself for allowing this to happen but unfortunately, you can't choose who you love and so I was fucked.

"A surprise better than getting you in my bed all weekend?" He asks and I just laugh as I refuse to dignify that with a response, looking cautiously towards the sky which is still relentless in it's endeavour to freak out the loved ones of the drivers. A feature race in the rain and one towards the end of a tight season just felt like it was begging for a disaster, then add in a high speed track and a torrid history regarding safety procedures. More than that, he was starting in the middle of the pack, P13 just as he had predicted. "What is it?"

"If I told you then it wouldn't be a surprise?" I point out, eyes darting around before back to him while he pouts at me and we notice the quieter than usual paddock, most of the sane people in the safety of the protected motorhomes. "Is it okay for me to tell you that I'm scared?" I ask him softly, stopping him by resting my hand on his arm, successfully bringing him to a halt as we stand out in the rain, the only people around as the rain sounds rhythmically around us. It's almost violent, each drop like a bullet against the tarmac around us, the sound of it all hitting the bottom of my spine in a way that infuses panic.

More than everything else this weekend I'm terrified to tell him this in particular.

I look away from him to remind myself that other people can't hear these words but it's not the main point of my panic. Him hearing them is what scares me. Even after crawling into bed with him last night and falling asleep in his arms all over again, I was able to stay strong. Each morning I would claim that it was just 'for the weekend'. I was doing it just to prove that I wasn't in love with him even though I knew I was failing entirely as he whispered goodnight into my ear, pressed a kiss to my bare shoulder and dragged me into dreamland.

The kisses that were exchanged in the privacy of rooms with locked doors were less terrifying than this confession right now. They were sweet and they were illogical but I knew that but I could lie to him and blame it on a simple want for physical touch rather than a biological need for his kiss. This was scary though as his attention was squarely on me, my vulnerabilities and my affection for him being brought back up to the surface for both of us to see plainly.

"I-I'm fine most of the time that you're on the track. You're amazing, you don't really crash... you're safe b-but I can see your anxiety. I can see it when you look at the rain and you're scaring me... and I know this is selfish but I need you to tell me that you're going to be okay. Okay?" I ask him, voice shaking as I move my hand away from his arm and to my face, trying to hide it from any cameras that might be looking for us as they always were. I take the umbrella in my other hand to stop myself from taking his hand in mine. That's all I wanted to do, reassure myself that he was here and he was okay.

"Oh Alessia..." he mutters, ignoring whatever I was doing as his hand cupped my face to force my eyes to stop looking at the rest of the paddock and focus on his, now calm with understanding as a soft smile rests on his face. "I'm going to be absolutely fine, great even because I'm going to get on the podium today. I know the history, trust me I do but that's the past and it's not my future. You and Ruby are my future. Please trust me and believe me when I say that I know I will be fine," he says softly, pressing a kiss to my forehead as he pulls me to his chest.