Burning Heart // CL16

Twenty

Kiraz was firmly back in the pissed off at CL16 camp, no longer a fan of the way that he was messing me around- especially when I told her that he was basically asking me to have an affair with him and wait for him to breakup with Marian. I wouldn't do that, not willingly and so I enjoyed my new found freedom and confidence with Kiraz the Tuesday, having fun driving the new Ferrari around the track and then taking photos next to it - not just for my Instagram but also for Ferrari. Wednesday came and we headed back to the UK, right where I wanted to be as I chilled with my mum and Dylan, going a bit under the radar as I took the time I needed off social media - only posting old photos so that I could just be me.

Well, me and my thoughts as I hurried myself in work, desperate for a distraction from the relentless pain in my heart. I actually began to do research into producing environmentally friendly coffee - as in I was trying to figure out a way of growing and harvesting coffee beans as well as processing them that wouldn't result in too much water or fertiliser being used - one that wasn't just carbon neutral but was carbon positive and so for two weeks - except for going to the gym and walking Dylan, I went offline and did all the research I could find on how to make it possible - scheduling calls with different experts and companies that were related and trying similarly. I was able to channel all the energy that I was putting into ignoring Charles' existence into something productive and it felt so good. I felt so good. I never wanted to leave this moment and if it wasn't for the obligations I had made to Christian, I wouldn't have.

But I did have obligations and I had to stick to them, so on Sunday - just for the race - instead of living out the 'full experience of Silverstone' like I had told Mattia I would, I got made up for the first time in three weeks. I made it so that my hair was perfect and my outfit simple but effective - a white strapless jumpsuit with a red Ferrari belt and red heels to match my custom Birkin bag and gold jewellery, breathing in heavily to go face my worst nightmare once more.

The reason I'd spent so much time indoors and by myself was that Kiraz had gone back to the US to see her parents and right now I was missing her badly - keen to get to the next race when I'd have her back. Right now though, it was just me and Isa who was a ball of crazy nervous energy that I had to deal with the second she saw me step into the garage.

"Oh thank god you're here, there were rumours about you not coming this weekend at all," she says as she pulls out the hug and I just let out a light chuckle as I smile and scrunch my nose playfully at her.

"Why on earth would I not?" I joke lightly and she doesn't get the joke as her eyes glance past me to the driver on the other side of the garage.

"Well, when you weren't here last week after the news..."

"What news?"

"They broke up," she says and my heart drops as I my neck snaps in the direction she's looking just to find exactly the sight that I was expecting to see. Charles, looking at me and no sight of Marian anywhere in the garage. He looks broken as his eyes meet mine and I realise that it's true. He kind of looks like he hasn't slept and I know as his eyes check over my before they come back to meet my face that he knows this is me just finding out about the news due to the degree of shock on my face.

"What? No?" I ask her and she just shrugs as she nods.

"That's what everyone is saying in the garage - apparently he ended it with her after Canada. I'm not sure if it took though - she seems to still be portraying them being together online - posting about him more than ever really. Giving him the opportunity to change his mind," she offers and I scoff as I shake my head, eyes still locked onto his as he seemed to wait for some sort of signal and he gets one - just not from me as his coach, Andrea pushes him out the garage and back to the grid.