Burning Heart // CL16

Thirty

4 March 2023

"How are you doing?" Christian asks as he sits across from me, and I just raise an eyebrow at him as we sit in my kitchen, both sipping on our own beverages having finished baby proofing just an hour before.

"I'm doing great... and not that I'm not grateful or anything but you shouldn't be here? Don't you have a new team to be in Bahrain for?" I ask him ,smiling as I relax, the surprise of seeing him yesterday having faded slightly. He chuckles as I point out the obvious of the race that is due to happen tomorrow and he just smirks as he shakes his head.

"It's handled, nothing will quite have as much affect as you last year anyway - I'll check up on them another week," he says with a shrug and I just shake my head as I smile warmly at him. "I want to be here in case..."

"In case what?... I have like five weeks still to go," I point out as I rub my swollen stomach. I was now very pregnant and struggling to get around a little on my own so my mum had been here almost everyday, helping get every last part of the house baby proofed when Christian had turned up yesterday and assisted us in finishing the job. It had been nice because I had been worried about them interacting but whatever had been between them was so far in the past, Christian was beyond enamoured with his life and wife and my mum loved hers as well. Time had done them a lot of good.

"Just in case... it takes a village to have a baby and I know you didn't get that but I want to make sure that isn't the case here," he says sorrowfully and I just shake my head at him, placing my hand over his on the counter as I push this back into the past. I was firmly looking ahead to a new chapter and as long as he continued with all his assistance, he was golden in my books.

"It's in the past, don't worry... look I don't think I'll ever fully understand but that is fine. We're good but I know how important this sort of stuff is..." I tell him with a genuine smile - trying to push back on the sharp pain in my abdomen, not the first of the day as my mind wanders to what is happening in a time zone not much further ahead than our own. Qualifying for the first race of the season was going down right now. God, I wish I wasn't aware of that.

"It is important... but, you know last year it was just an excuse right? I just wanted a reason that might work with your life to get you involved. To be involved with you and your life. I knew I had messed it up at first. I tried to be your dad when I had no right to be but that's why we had a representative last year and we don't this year?" He says, the words tumbling out of his mouth nervously as I look at him surprised and shake my head, signalling that I didn't know that as he pushes his coffee cup away before covering my hand with his other and looks me deep in the eyes. "I don't think I'll ever fully understand what I was thinking either - but I grew up and I never stopped regretting it and tried to make it right but it's only because you were open to giving me an opportunity to that we're here right now." He gets progressively more emotional as he continues and with my hormones running wild I struggle to bite back the tears at his words as I shrug and smile, that feeling the safer option for now. "Thank you for letting me be here and a part of this... I know I am privileged to be here."

"You should thank mum... she's the one that insisted I gave you a chance," I explain to him and he chuckles, looking concerned as a wince falls over my face for a couple of seconds. There was a particularly sharp pain in my stomach as I rubbed it and focused on my breathing for a moment, ignoring as his eyes scanned me for signs of issues.

"I have, a number of times," he confirms and I just nod impressed. "I know it might not be my place to say this but I want to just suggest one last time that you tell Charles..." he suggests and my heart stops at the mention of his name. Especially in this context from Christian because I had still never outright told him and I didn't believe Kiraz had either... perhaps there were too many hints in this house. I just couldn't get myself to completely cut out thoughts of him from her life, the red accents in her future bed room were probably too much of a hint. I guess I still wasn't sure about not telling him but I did mean it when I said I was thinking forward, focusing on the future and not the past. There was only so much within my control and Charles and his reaction was so far out of my control that I couldn't contemplate it.