Burning Heart // CL16

Seven

I do not want to hear it on my lack of impulse control lol... I'm talking to you MonAnge888 and @Dreamer73747

Shush....and enjoy lol

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"Not normally," I mutter as I slip out of the seat and walk towards Kiraz, eyes brimming with tears as the guilt really begins to build. I know I'm leaving a very confused driver behind me as I do so but I don't have the mental capacity to think about him right now, being reminded of it again by him so casually was apparently very triggering for me.

When I had started OF, I really liked it, and then my account blew up and I was one of the central people that was associated with the platform and that came with a tonne of hate. It was why my account settings were so restrictive - because I'd had a lot of people, mainly women, berating me for my decision to post these photos as though I'd done something awful to them personally. For months my inbox was filled with death threats from angry girlfriends who found out their boyfriends were subscribed to me and it had really taken a mental toll on me. Even though I had never been the person that someone cheated with before, I guess everything between my mum and my dad had an impact on me and I took it all that much more personally. That and seeing every message in my inbox starting with either slut or whore for months on end until Kiraz finally convinced me to get the tightest security on all my accounts and go to therapy. It took time and a lot of persuasion on her part and was one of the many reasons that I needed her with me 80% of the time, she was my rock there was no two ways about that.

That's why when I walked back over to her, she stayed facing forward and used one hand to subtly pull me behind her, letting my arms wrap around her waist as I took the chance to breathe hiding my face behind her and taking the chance to mumble my thanks to her quietly. When I next look up, I'm greeted with the sight of Marian and Charles exchanging a quick peck on the lips before he gets in the car and feel the nausea build once more as I screw my eyes shut.

I felt fucking awful.

I felt dirty.

Worst of all, I could feel my body was still begging for me to do it all again.

I stayed there with Kiraz and Isa, arms around Kiraz as a grounding source of sanity as we watched qualifying occur. I have no idea how Kiraz was managing it but somehow she was keeping me sane and trying to keep Isa calm as she stressed about Carlos in the car. However, she was soothed somewhat as we got her to explain the sprint race format and explain why I was here on a Friday rather than a Saturday - entirely confused up until this point. I was quiet as I just listened to them talk, enjoying how well they were getting on and being super relieved because I really liked Isa but I was worried about how friends mix, naturally.

When the session ended it was just Kiraz and I in the garage though because Carlos had been knocked out in the last second in Q2 to Isa's disappointment as she went to wait for him in the driver room, giving me and Kiraz directions to meet her later if we wanted. We finished watching the session, neither of us smiling much as Charles came P2 but that was in line with the mood of the garage as Charles looked good to go but the rain had made it difficult and I heard someone say something about Max being great in the rain so it was to be expected.

I went with Kiraz down to parc fermé, hand in hand just to show her what it was like even though the Ferrari celebrations were somewhat muted. Mattia smiled at me and ushered us under an umbrella as we stood there and cheered with the rest of the team who were there for Charles but we quickly left during the interviews, the sound of Charles' voice making me feel kind of sick once more as we headed back to the garage. We repeated that for the next couple of days - the sprint race not making much of a difference to the starting lineup except Carlos made his way up to 4th for the race start from 11th so that was positive and worth celebrating despite Charles being the one to get the medal for 2nd.