Burning Heart // CL16

Thirty Seven

16:16, 31st December 2023
London

God... fuck me. I was terrified. Kiraz had gone out with Ruby an hour ago because I was terrified that he might be early and see them and so I had been torturing myself for the last hour as I ran through different scenarios all alone. She knew she wasn't to come back until I messaged her to say that Charles was gone but it didn't ease my anxiety in the slightest. I had almost cancelled this so many times. In fact I had when we touched down in London, I'd messaged Carlos to tell him to ask Charles not to come but having already somehow convinced Charles to fly to the UK he told me he wouldn't pass on the message and so the meeting was going ahead. The trip had been easy, Christian insisting we use his jet to travel as he stayed with Dylan in my house with his wife while my mum and Kiraz came down to London with me to help with Ruby and now it was just me in a ridiculously tidy flat.

Ruby. God... what was he going to say?

I couldn't even blame Carlos for refusing to take back the message - this had been a major thing between him and Charles for the last year. Of course he had been pissed with Charles at first but the frequency with which he brought up me telling him throughout the season was enough of a sign to me that it was causing him a lot of tension personally, not liking that he was having to keep something so huge from someone he worked so closely with. From someone he did really like. Also, I imagine it must have been a lot of effort to convince Charles to go and meet the person he said he never wanted to meet again - now, seemingly randomly requesting to meet him within a few days of Christmas... honestly, I have no idea why he agreed or what Carlos must have said to get him here but it was happening... any minute now.

Everyone was so pleased for me taking this step but I don't think they could understand how terrified I was. This was still not my choice or ideal situation - if it was possible I would raise her to never know anything about F1 or him. I'd live in the bubble we had already created so successfully but that was wiped away when I heard a knock at the door. Decisions had been made, time to step into the light. I stayed stuck in place though as I I heard the knock come a second time, this time louder, more sure and I knew I had to move. I had to do this and get it over and done with.

The seconds feel like they drag into minutes as my heart works double time and I walk to the door in what feels like slow motion. My mind is racing as I struggle to find the words that I rehearsed and as my hand touches the door handle, there's another knock. This time more impatient and it makes me pause in place as I realise the enormity of what is truly happening, he's stood on the other side of the door with absolutely no idea of the news I have to give him.

Why did he even say yes?

"Alessia?" I hear, his voice a lot softer than his knock as my breath catches in my throat, "I know you're there... I can see your shadow under the door," he continues but I can barely hear the words as I'm distracted by the way his accent rolls through the words like a melody, bringing me a degree of calm that I resent at a time like this. There's a terrifying familiarity to his presence on the other side of the door which calms me down enough to replay his words through his head and so I let my hand twist the door handle slowly before pulling it open a little.

I peer around the corner, losing my mind a little as my eyes meet his in the small crack in the door and I see a smile appear on his face as he looks at me through the crevice I've created. The smile doesn't fade as we both pause there, taking our time to scan each others faces nervously and I cant help but notice that he looks good. His skin is tanned and his hair is still slightly bleached from the sun. Had he been at home, had he been on holiday... what got him to say yes to meeting me? But it was his eyes that caught me off guard, more flecks of amber than I remembered. His jaw and cheekbones seemed more defined than I remembered them being as well, the only thing that was the same was his nose. The same one I saw on Ruby's face everyday.