Burning Heart // CL16

Thirty Three

4th June 2023

"I can't do this alone..." I sob as Ruby is asleep in my room for what feels like the first time in a week, it had been long, she'd started teething even though she was so small and Jesus Christ she could scream like a banshee. "She never stops crying and I don't know what I'm doing wrong... I'm a bad mum and I just keep on thinking she needs her dad but how on earth would I ever tell you this now? She's three months old, you're leading the championship - getting married in a month or something and I'm here. Alone, and scared I'm making so many mistakes," I stutter out between shaky breaths, hiccuping as the tears fall relentlessly from my eyes as I sit on the floor of the living room with my knees to my chest and I wipe away tears like a crazy person talking to a phone like it's a person. "I can't even get a nanny or anything because I'm worried that they'd sell the story but I'm so tired... I'm so, so tired and I just... I want you here. I want your guidance, your comfort, your help..." I say biting down on my bottom lip as I blink back tears as the moment of weakness starts to pass and I calm down somewhat. "I don't know what I'm doing... I just think I'm doing it all wrong and I don't want that for her. I want to do this right but what even is that?" I ask as I wipe the tears that are still streaming from my eyes and my head falls into my hands.

Then I hear her cry through the baby monitor and my defeated sobs break out again, her wailing causing my heart to break more than I ever thought possible as I get up. I leave my phone in place as I walk towards her room and grab her from where she's lying on her back and screaming. I pick her up into my arms and she still doesn't stop and I find myself just crying with her, helpless as I try to rock her from side to side in an effort to calm her down, the pacifier, the blanket - none of it is working. I'm a mess and I haven't showered in days, using the time that my mum was here to sleep but I didn't like calling her for help..

"Come on nené... please, please don't cry. I'll give you whatever you want," I sob but she doesn't listen. Or she doesn't hear me. I want to try all the usual stuff but she's only been asleep for ten minutes and I know there is nothing that she needs right now. "Come on, please Bee," I beg as I walk her back out of the room, picking up her little red blanket and putting it in her arms as I do so, bouncing her while I try to swallow back my tears. I work hard to calm my heart in the hope that it will prevent her cries from continuing but I'm not very successful because the sound of her crying is causing my physical pain and emotional pain.

Eventually, I try the usual tactic for days like this and switch on the F1 channel, it doesn't work immediately but she does calm down a little bit, somewhat hypnotised by the sounds and the bouncing in my arms. I shake my head as my tears fall silently as I sit back down on the floor and position her so she is sitting in between my crossed legs as the TV plays in front of us, my head falling backwards on the sofa. It's only then that I realise it's a live race - or the end of a live one. God... it was Sunday.

"It was a good race for us and we're happy that the team is taking home another win. Of course, I am happy for Carlos, although I do wish it were me this week but if it is not me then, I am happy it is him. It is reassuring that we are able to be performing at this high level week in and week out and both being competitive. I plan to have a comeback next week though - Canada up next. But yes - it's special that Carlos won his home race, I am happy for him," I hear Charles say and find that similarly to Bee, I have gotten very distracted  by his presence on screen and stopped crying as I watch his interview curiously.

I had totally lost track of my own thoughts and what day of the week it was as I realised in that moment it was race day and clearly Carlos had won his home race. "God... I'm a bad friend," I mutter to myself as I dry my tears and look at the phone and I sigh as I finally noticed it was still recording. "Thanks I guess... you're once more saving my ass with her. I don't know how you do it and honestly I kind of hate you for it. I'd like to go one day without having a reminder of you in her but nooo... you also have to be the way to settle her when nothing else will. This is God's cruel torture for my decisions or something... but you've done your part and I need to message Carlos," I tell the phone tiredly as I massage my forehead and I stop my ramble and I pick the phone up and tilt it down to capture Bee and me, noticing the smile on her face as she looks around the room with a giggle and a pang of guilt goes through my body as I look at her. But mostly, that familiar little look gives me so much happiness at the sight of her eyes still on Charles on the TV. "I swear if the child figures it out because you're infectious I will... do nothing, maybe cry but then what's new?" I joke as I raise the phone back to my face, a smile coming over my face as I listen to her giggle, contentedness filling me where despair was a moment ago as I relax. There's only one other person able to have the same effect on my body just by talking so I guess she gets it from her dad, a smile comes over my face as I grin at the phone, unable to help it as I try to ignore how much of a mess I am. "Oh God... it's the best sound ever isn't it? I can't ever be sad when she giggles... It's just fantastic," I gush, the phone still recording as I giggle myself and stroke the brunette hair growing on top of her head slightly. "Okay, I'm getting distracted - she is distracting me and so are you... how long does an interview really need to be?" I ask him amused as he is still talking in the background on the TV. "Alright... I'm ending this now - say goodbye Bee," I tell her as I lift one hand and wave it. "Say goodbye to papa... no, say goodbye to the phone... God, I miss sleep!"