Burning Heart // CL16

Thirty One

Okay I apologise if this doesn't flow quite right... originally this Charles bit was like two chapters time but self control where?

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Charles POV
5th March 2023
Bahrain

I was beyond overwhelmed and confused all through race day, thoughts of Alessia's call to me early in the morning plagued me. That alongside a bad feeling in my gut told me that something was wrong, seriously wrong. Alessia didn't pick up a single one of my calls and when I got to the track, the first thing I did was ask Carlos and Isa if something had happened. They both looked at me like I was just insane as I tried to explain the strange phone call but I thought I was right though because after I walked away, I watched as Isa get on the phone for a few minutes and watched as her face paled.

Part of me was relieved that Isa had no poker face but in that moment, watching from the opposite end of the garage my heart dropped out my chest. I watched, ignoring everyone that was talking to me as the couple exchanged quick Spanish and my panic levels increased as Carlos' eyes met mine and he looked worried and conflicted. I just waited though, I knew me going over there right now would do nothing and so I just watched intently. About thirty minutes later, Carlos shot me a thumbs up to let me know that whatever was the worry had now passed for the most part... actually, they both looked a mixture of relief and more worry.

I wanted to know what they knew but as I stayed frozen in place I reminded myself that I wasn't permitted to know anything. I knew I had no right even though it was killing me inside. Why had she called me?...

I realised I would never know and so I pushed through, thoughts of Alessia at the back of my head for the entire race and if I'm honest I couldn't decide if it was a positive or negative thing, but I won the race. So maybe it was good? I called her after the race, unable to help myself but same as every other time I had tried that morning, there was no answer. I hated myself for the pang in my chest when I got voicemail once more, trying to remind myself that Marian was upstairs and ready to celebrate.

As I sat in my room by myself, after winning the race I had the worst realisation. It made my blood run cold. I didn't want to celebrate with Marian and it was something that I couldn't deny to myself anymore. It didn't mean that I did want Alessia or that I would do anything about her. I wouldn't she was gone, she had left. I know I had told her to go but I never expected that she actually would. But after winning the first race of the season the only two things I could think about was what was going on with Alessia and I didn't know how much longer I could keep playing this game with Marian. How much longer could I keep telling myself that I didn't care if the spark wasn't there now. That I would wait. I didn't want to live this way.

Just because I didn't get to spend my life with Alessia didn't mean that I had to spend it with Marian... I think anyway, maybe it was what I deserved? Even if it was... I was starting to think that it wasn't what Marian deserved.

Just because Alessia didn't love me and I had made mistakes, hurting both her and Marian... didn't mean I had to end up with one of them? The engagement was still private and I was surprised by that, I had expected Marian to expose it publicly within days but she didn't. Perhaps she realised what I was beginning to understand... it was one thing to be in a loveless relationship. It was another thing entirely to be in a loveless marriage. Sometimes I would catch her watching me with an expressionless face and I knew that she wasn't ready to announce it either, not unless something changed because se wasn't convinced I meant the words I said.

Which was good... because I wasn't convinced that I did. Everyday we were together was a day I questioned if I could ever feel for her the way I did when I was 18 again? After Alessia... it just didn't seem possible.