Stand Up and Remember (One Direction Fan-Fic)

Chapter 39

Chapter 39 ~ Bella

I felt overwhelmed. Not only because I was caught up in the love of two different people, but for two completely different reasons. One was the one who had been mostly honest, and we had met first and I didn't want to feel like I owed it to him to love him.

He had let me down, on more than one occasion, if we include the several white lies littered here and there, but he was always faithful and did what he thought was the right thing. But what happened if it happened again? What if he would lie to cover something up?

Everytime I asked myself these questions I would look at the boy who had been honest since the day I left, and I felt stupid, because I knew I loved him, but I didn't know why I felt so clumsily attracted to Josh, and I knew he knew the me I had become, the me I had embraced and changed before Niall had snuck in and taken my heart, if we are to be speaking by his perspective.

I didn't understand how he felt like he could wait, yet he knew I would always love Niall, even if I left, I knew I would never be able to let the first love go, and that was scary.

I had no idea what my future held, and I wasn't ready to make any decisions about that. I knew that Niall and I would have arguments, and I knew if I was with Josh I would too. I had to make the right decision to understand that either way I would be happy, and sad.

But the feeling. That gut feeling you know that you like someone else is heart breaking because you would think, how on earth is it possible to love two different guys with one soul? It's near impossible. Yet I did. I felt guilty everyday, and I couldn't bear to tell Niall, even though he knew. I didn't know if the other boys knew, but it was just a thing between Niall and I that I couldn't deny to myself.

I moaned in frustration as I looked onto the upcoming sunrise on the large balcony outside the room Niall and I were staying in. 

I felt tears prickle at the corners of my eyes and I knew whatever decision I made, it would be the hardest of my life. I knew that in my heart, somewhere, I would always love these two boys who had made me think of the universe in a different way, and view it in a thousand different flavours and colour spectrums, more than I dare to count or dream of.

But how could one human heart, survive that all? For I moment I dreaded the outcome of what would happen if I fell, but then my heart wouldn't hurt so much. But then it would be the equivalent of one thousand hearts breaking if I left anyone now.

And I wouldn't be able to ever bring myself to thinking that, because I valued breathing too much. The feeling of my life running through my veins, and I was in control.

I briefly wondered what life would be like if I hadn't of liked Niall, and had met someone like Austin before Josh. I probably would have fallen quickly for someone like him. But under the circumstances, that was never going to be the case.

I sighed before something brushed against my shoulder and I let out a little squeak that seemed to echoe against the walls surrounding me, the dawn traffic silenced a little before the familiar hum of engines tuned back in.

Startled, I turned my head around to find Niall standing up, appreciating the view before looking back at me with a grin and his eyes twinkling.

"Can't sleep?" He asked, clearin his throat a little as his voice sounded quite husky in the morning. His hair was all ruffled and pointng out a different angles, but his dimples remained.

I sighed happily but yawned a little, but I was very wary that I was on the verge of tears so I broke eye contact, and sighed again looking at the sun rising over the buildings and hills, casting a golden glow over the city of angels.