Just The Strings (COMPLETED)

Kabanata 40

#JustTheStrings

Kabanata 40

"Are you asking me to choose?"

Hindi ako makapaniwala sa ginagawa niya. Alam niya naman... that amongst all things I didn't like, I hated choosing the most. I hated choosing because I hated discarding anything. Paano pa kapag tao? I didn't want to hurt anyone. Most especially him. That's why I didn't do anything all these time. Because I was buying time. Kasi gusto ko kapag may ginawa na ako, sigurado na ako.

I didn't want to hurt anyone because I haphazardly chose... dahil lang kailangan kong mamili.

"No. I'm asking you to save me, Mary. I feel like I'm drowning and the only way to save me is if you'll choose to spare me or choose to go on." He looked at me and sadly smiled. "But whatever your decision is, I'll try to understand. Palagi ko namang sinusubukan, 'di ba?"

I looked back at him.

"I don't want to choose."

I didn't want to choose that moment. Everything was a mess. Our emotions were both heightened. I was afraid that we'd both end up regretting the choices we made and the choices we didn't make.

"But you have to, Mary. You have to choose. You can't string me along every time."

"I—I'm not stringing you alone, Saint," sabi ko. Naupo ako at saka hinarap siya. "I love you, 'di ba? Hindi ako nagsisinungaling. Mahal naman talaga kita... kasi sasakit ba ng ganito 'to kung hindi naman? Matatakot ba ako ng ganito kung hindi naman?"

He cupped my face and caressed my cheeks with his thumbs.

"Okay, I believe you. Wag ka ng umiyak."

Pero tuluy-tuloy pa rin 'yung pagtulo ng luha ko.

"Bakit mo kasi ako pinapapili? Hindi ko pa nga kaya. Hindi ako kinakausap ni Kuya, lumayas si Mama, kawawa si Papa, kailangan ako nila Finley, hindi ko makausap si Kath, hindi ako makapaniwala kay Liza, Kuya Jackson was torturing my brain. Ang daming nangyayari, Saint. All of these are inside my head. I can't think. I can't do anything. Ang bigat-bigat ng pakiramdam. Parang lahat dala-dala ko."

Pinupunasan niya lang iyong bawat luha na pumapatak.

"There. Is that so hard to do, ha? I just want you to tell me things. I just want to feel included in your life. Hindi naman mahirap, 'di ba?"

"But I don't want to burden you."

"You're not a burden. It's me who want to be included in your life. And with that, I want to know every details you can give me. Everything you're willing to share. 'Di ba ganon naman talaga?"

I didn't know. I grew up keeping everything to myself.

"Talaga?"

He nodded.

"I'm here now, Mary. You don't have to suffer alone in silence. I can suffer with you, if you want."

Napa-ngiti na ako.

"Baliw."

He smiled.

"Well, you made me crazy with your silence. Don't do that again, alright? Don't shut me out again. I hated the feeling, Mary. It exhausted me."

I nodded. And then the clock beeped. 12 midnight na.

"Hala. Tapos na 'yung birthday mo... Wala akong gift sa 'yo."

"It's okay. We talked. That's my gift."

Umiling ako.

"Hindi pwede. Two weeks na nga tayong hindi nag-uusap, e..."