Just The Strings (COMPLETED)

Kabanata 59

#JustTheStrings

Kabanata 59 

I blinked once. Or twice. Or maybe a couple of times. I couldn't understand what he was proposing... and what he was trying to say. Ilang segundo akong nakatayo lang sa harap niya—unable to come up with anything to say.

"I can't," I told him. "I'm sorry," I said. At that moment, I felt like it was all I had to offer. I didn't know the right words to say. I didn't want to cause him any more pain. But he was looking at me and it made it harder. His face devoid of any emotion I could consider positive. He looked torn. And sad. And hurt.

"I can't live with you... It's wrong."

His offer was tempting, but I had to say no. It didn't feel good to be living in the same unit as him. He's a guy. And he's my ex. At kahit pa siguro kami pa rin, I would not accept his offer. My family was very religious and so was I. If I did it, it would contradict everything I was taught and everything I believed in.

"I'm just extending help," he said.

"And I appreciate it. But no," I replied.

He looked at me. "Why?"

Gusto kong sabihin sa kanya na hindi ko kayang tumira sa isang lugar kasama siya. Even the thought itself was driving me crazy... He occupied my mind. I wouldn't let him occupy my sight. Alam ko na hindi ko kakayanin na makita siya araw-araw. It would drive me mad.

"I'm always at work. You won't even see me," he continued.

"It's not that..."

"Then what is it?" he asked. "Aren't I trust-worthy, Mary?"

Napatingin ako sa kanya. "That's not what I meant, Saint!"

Umangat iyong sulok ng labi niya. "Then what do you mean, Mary? Please tell me. I don't want to make the mistake of assuming things again..."

My heart broke. We were back at that night again. The night when he broke my heart... and the night I broke his. We were both broken. We were both victims of the situation. Maybe we were just fragile... maybe our love was that fragile. That a little misunderstanding like that managed to break us.

Maybe everything that happened was for the both of us. We still needed a lot of growing up. We had been too complacent with each other. We were at fault.

"I'm sorry..." I whispered.

"I'm getting really tired hearing i'm sorry," he said with a small smile. "But it's okay. I know it's my fault. I should've believed you more."

Mas lalong hindi ako naka-sagot. I got stuck in front of him, unable to think of what to do next.

"It's all in the past," I told him. "We should move on."

Natawa siya. "Move on? I hate that phrase. Why do people keep on telling me to move on? As if they know exactly how I am feeling... As if they have an idea of what I am feeling. I will move on when I want to, when I am ready."

"Aren't you ready?"

He looked at me. And shook his head.

"How will I be ready, Mary? I already planned my future ahead. And in all versions of my future, there's you included," he said and smiled a little. "We weren't supposed to end... We were supposed to endure. I hate myself for doubting you so easily. It made me question everything I believe in. Because if I really love you, those pictures will mean nothing... but that's not what happened. Seeing those pictures? It blurred the logical side in me.

"I had always hated the fact that there always be a Parker in your life... I hated it then and I still hate it now..."

Tinignan ko siya nang mabuti.