Just The Strings (COMPLETED)

Kabanata 50

#JustTheStrings

Kabanata 50

The drive home was awfully quiet. No one spoke a word. I tried to mask off my indifference by pretending to be asleep, but the truth was, I couldn't deal with anything right now. I couldn't deal with Parker. I couldn't deal with what he was proposing. And when we arrived home, I knew I couldn't shrug it off anymore. The engine was still running and he was asking questions again.

"Are you done with him?" Parker asked.

"I wanna sleep," I replied and opened the door. I began walking but I could feel him following me behind. "Give it a rest, Parker," pagod na sabi ko.

I was hurting. He was hurting. But running away was not the answer. I didn't want to be unfair to him. Ayoko siyang gamitin dahil lang nasasaktan ako. He deserved better. I deserved better. We didn't deserve something like that.

Pumasok ako sa loob ng kwarto ko at saka naglinis ng katawan. I stared at the mirror and I didn't like what I saw. What had become of my life? I tried to protect everyone but I ended up protecting no one. We just ended up hurting each other.

I sighed and smiled.

"It's not the end," I whispered to myself. "Losing Saint is not the end of the world, Imo," I reminded myself.

Siguro kailangan kong sabihin 'to sa sarili ko araw-araw. Kasi bukas, alam ko na malaki iyong posibilidad na makita ko siya. Masyadong maliit ang mundo para sa aming dalawa. I didn't want to go through all the trouble just to avoid him. I realized that if I couldn't save anyone no matter how hard I try, then I should just stop altogether. I lived my life trying to consider everyone's feelings... maybe it's high time I consider myself alone.

The night ended swiftly. I woke up with my head pounding from the lack of sleep, and my eyes puffy from the incessant crying I did. Pero tama na 'yun. Ayoko nang umiyak. Pagod na akong umiyak pero kailangan kong pumasok. I already lost someone, I wouldn't dare lose anything anymore.

"Are you okay?" Mama asked me.

I timidly smiled and nodded. There's no other option for me but to be okay.

"Papasok na po ako," I replied. "Start na ng finals next week. Kailangan ko pa pong magreview."

No more question was asked. Nagpahatid agad ako kay Manong sa school at agad akong dumiretso sa library para mag-aral. I deactivated all my accounts and turned off my phone. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to explain anything to anyone. I didn't want to make sense of what I was feeling.

I just wanted to shut down for a while.

"Hey..."

Kath and Liza were both looking at me. Alam na ba nila? Hindi ko pa naman sinasabi...

"Hmm?"

"Are you okay?"

Why did everyone keep on asking me this?

I nodded.

"I'm fine," I said. "I'm okay. Let's talk about it later. Nandito na 'yung prof."

But that didn't happen, of course. As soon as the classes ended, I went to the parking lot and had myself driven home. I really was not in the mood to entertain any more questions. Nagsasawa na rin akong marinig ang tanong kung okay lang ba ako. Kasi kung hindi ako okay, may magagawa ba sila? Could they take this awful feeling inside me?

Pagdating ko sa bahay, agad kong nakita si Mama na naghihintay sa akin sa sala. She looked really worried. It was the first time I saw her like this. She was usually bossing everyone around. But now, she looked like she was about to cry.