Just The Strings (COMPLETED)

Kabanata 61

#JustTheStrings

Kabanta 61

Before doing anything, I bought flowers and visited Uncle Parker's grave. I didn't even know why I was here... or maybe I felt like I needed to explain myself. I needed to explain to him why I was doing this. After all, it was his dying wish that got me in this position.

"Hi, Uncle," I said, plopping down on the grass. The day was nice and the wind was cold against my skin. I would've enjoyed this day more, if I didn't have to do whatever it was that needed to be done. "I have a confession..." I sighed. How do you even explain your feelings? Most of the time, I couldn't even make sense of what I was feeling. It had always been bizarre.

"I know you want me and Parker to end up together... and it would've been nice if that happens, right? But sometimes, things don't always go according to plan. I already told you about Cindy, 'di ba? Tapos, I have Saint. Ang gulo lang kasi, Uncle. For Parker and I, the timing is never right. Nung mahal ko siya, may mahal siyang iba. Nung may mahal na akong iba, at saka naman niya ako mahal."

I hugged my knees close to me. "If I can change what I am feeling..." I trailed off. "No, Uncle. I still will choose to feel this way. Because you know? Saint saw my worthy even before anyone did. He loves me even before I learned to love myself. He makes me smile. He makes me happy. He makes my heart burst with so much happiness whenever I'm with him... And when I'm not with him, I just constantly miss him." I smiled. "I thought staying away from him would make me forget him, but I was just kidding myself. Because how do you even forget someone who gave you so much to remember?"

Biglang humangin nang malakas. Siguro nakikinig si Uncle. Sana maintindihan niya ako.

"Like you, Uncle. It had been 23 years, pero naaalala ka pa rin ni Mama. Ganoon din ako kay Saint. Seven months, pero siya pa rin... Kaya naiintindihan mo naman ako, 'di ba?" I smiled and then closed my eyes. "I'm sorry, Uncle... I can't love Parker the way you want me to... Hindi siya ang para sa akin..."

Sabi nila, para daw ako sa kanya... pero paano kung hindi naman siya para sa akin? Paano kung si Saint ang gusto ko? Bawal ba?

I stayed there for a couple of minutes, asking him for forgiveness. Alam ko kasi binigo ko si Uncle. Simula pagkabata, palaging sinasabi sa akin ni Mama na dapat kay Parker lang ako. I tried. I fell for him, but he neglected me. He told me over and over again that there's no us and there never would be. And I believed him.

And when he was busy pushing me away, somebody pulled me in. Parker gave me to Saint. And now, no matter how much he tried to take me back, wala na. I refused to be taken back.

"Goodbye, Uncle. I'm sorry."

Pagkatapos kong bisitahin si Uncle, dumiretso ako sa mall. I still needed time to think. I needed to make Parker listen to me. I needed him to understand me. Kasi kapag hindi, magiging paulit-ulit lang 'to. It would be an endless cycle and we'd both just keep on getting hurt hanggang sa maubos kaming pareho.

Naglakad-lakad lang ako sa mall hanggang sa makarating ako sa bookstore. Napa-ngiti ako nung makita ko iyong mga highlighters. Suddenly, I was reminded of Parker and his highlighters. Ilang segundo ko 'yung tinitigan bago ko napagdesisyunan na bumili. I bought as many highlighters as I could. I also bought papers na gagamitin ko.

When I was done, I called him. He answered after two rings.

"Hey," he said, his voice was happy. "I was about to call you."

I bit my lower lip. "Are you free?"

"Yeah. I'm in a coffee shop, reviewing for an exam."

Exam niya? Paano ko sasabihin kung exam niya? Magiging kasalanan ko kung hindi siya makakapag-aral dahil sa mga sasabihin ko... but would there ever be a proper time to say things that I was about to say? May perfect time ba para doon?