Just The Strings (COMPLETED)

Kabanata 62

#JustTheStrings

Kabanata 62

Someone asked me what was the hardest thing I had done in my life. I didn't have an answer for that before. Everything was handed to me. My parents had made sure that I could get everything I needed in my life. I got everything easy... until I had to break someone's heart. And I was sure that it's the hardest thing anyone could ever do. Because how could you break someone who did nothing but love you? Isn't it the most cruel thing in the world? If only heart could be dictated... pero hindi, e. I didn't choose to love Saint. It happened. And once it did, I'd keep on choosing to love him. Loving him became both voluntary and involuntary. It's a conscious and unconscious decision. It's everything I wanted and didn't want.

Hurting Parker was the same. I didn't want to do it but at the same time, I wanted to. I wanted to hurt him so that he'd stop hoping. I wanted him to start moving. I didn't want him to be stuck in the same place. Because I was sure he'd move on... the same way I managed to move on from him.

Pagkatapos kong sabihin kay Parker iyon, pinilit kong maging abala sa ibang bagay. I channeled all my energy into my school works. I didn't want to think about it anymore. Every time I would remember how tears escaped his face, I wanted to apologize. But I shouldn't. I should stand on my ground. Para sa ikabubuti niya.

Days passed and my body started to feel tired from all the works I did. I wanted to withdraw from my work in the café but I felt bad. I was barely starting and I was already considering quitting. Doon kasi madalas nag-aaral si Parker. And he knew that I was working there... ayoko naman na umiwas siya roon dahil sa akin. That's too much already.

And so I told Jovi that I was resigning. Hindi ko na rin tinanggap iyong sweldo para sa mga aral na nakapagtrabaho ako dahil nakonsensya ako na bigla na lang akong nagquit. Sinabi ko na personal reason and I was glad that she didn't question me. I didn't want to refresh my memory on what happened... Although everything was still freshly etched in my mind. Every detail was painfully vivid. The pain was still palpable.

It had been a week already but the pain was still there. I didn't open my phone, fearing that Parker would contact me. I was thankful that I was staying in a hotel kaya kung gusto man akong puntahan ni Parker, hindi niya alam kung nasaan ako. I didn't want another talk. I didn't want a rerun of what had already painfully happened.

I was thankful for all the welcomed distraction. Binuhos ko lahat ng lakas ko sa pagpipinta. I painted all my emotions... and my professors noticed that my works all showed pain. They said that I was a deep person. But I was just lonely. And sad.

"Wanna hang out?" Kath asked me. "It had been a week already, Imo."

"I'm okay," I replied. She called me via Facetime. Sinabi ko sa kanila ni Liza iyong mga nangyari. They comforted me. Their words meant to soothe this nagging feeling inside me, but I couldn't be consoled. The fact that I consciously hurt Parker would eat me inside.

"You're killing yourself with all the things you're doing."

"I'm distracting myself, Kath. I don't want an idle mind. I don't want to envision what happened that day..." I explained.

Only then I was beginning to realize why best friends didn't want to take that leap of faith... kasi hindi naman palagi na pareho ang nararamdaman. Paano kapag hindi mahal nung isa? Paano? Kasi mahirap bumalik sa pagkakaibigan kapag iba na ang nararamdaman. Mahirap magpanggap kapag ang sakit-sakit na.

"I don't want to risk it," I continued.

She sighed. "Alright... but don't do it for too long, okay? We're worried for you."