Just The Strings (COMPLETED)

Kabanata 64

#JustTheStrings

Kabanata 64

My eyes were closed. My heart was beating so fast. I didn't think this through. I just kissed him—because that felt so right... and because I didn't want to talk anymore. I just wanted to grab him and have him as close as I could. And so I did. At kinakabahan ako ngayon. What if he didn't want me like this? What if I came on too strong?

"I'm so—" But my words were interrupted.

"What was that?" he asked. Ilang kurap ang nagawa ko. I just blinked because no words would come out of my mouth. And for a moment, I kinda wished that blinks would suffice as an answer. I felt my cheeks heating up as he continued to stare at me. "Mary," he called my name. "Why did you kiss me?" 

Words abandoned me. Hindi pa rin ako makasagot. I couldn't find the right words to explain myself... to explain what I felt. At nung hindi pa rin ako makapagsalita, Saint cupped my face. He made me look at him and when I looked in his eyes, I found comfort. He had always been my solace. His smiles pacify me. His presence calms me. And his whole being just completes me.

"Mary..." he softly said, his eyes waiting for the words that feared to come out from my mouth.

"I..." I trailed off. I let myself get drowned in his stares. I let myself draw strength from his presence. I didn't want to prolong our agony anymore. I didn't want to be apart when we could be together. I didn't want to waste time. Tama na iyong ilang buwan. We both made a mistake. We both paid for it. We both owned it. Too many tears have been shed, too much pain have been felt. Now, we deserve to be happy.

"I love you," I said. I felt his hands gone cold. Inabot ko iyong kamay niya na nakahawak sa pisngi ko at hinawakan iyon. I wanted to assure him of my feelings. That even though time passed, even though feelings got hurt, even though words were said, still, my heart belongs to him. Only him. And I feared that my heart would only belong to him. Because the more I struggled, the more I realized that at the end of the day, it's still him I long for. Siya lang iyong gusto kong makasama. Siya lang iyong gusto kong makausap.

Days spent without him pale in comparison to days spent with him.

"I'm sorry for denying it for so long. I was just scared to get hurt again, Saint. The last time was so painful... I felt my heart get crushed and I didn't know what to do with the pain." My lips began to tremble as I continued. I had always denied what I felt when we broke up. I wanted to feel strong. I wanted to convince myself that I would do just fine without him... that maybe, he's just a beautiful phase in my life. And painfully so, that phase was done. Because if he's meant to remain in my life, he wouldn't give me up that easily. Because if what he felt for me was real, he would believe me before anyone else.

I had all these reasons... I had all the reasons to forget him. And yet, I only needed one good reason to stay.

"I ran away. I disappeared without telling you... and I'm sorry for being so weak." Tears fell. My heart felt so heavy. I felt the need to unload everything. I wanted to say everything. I wanted to pour everything out so that after this night, we could start anew. I didn't want to carry this burden anymore.

"I'm sorry for being so selfish, Saint. I only thought about myself. I only thought about what I felt. I didn't see where you were coming from. I didn't see your pain..."

I knew I was at fault. I knew how Saint felt. He told me over and over. Ilang beses niyang sinabi sa akin na nagseselos siya kay Parker pero wala akong ginawa. Parker's my friend and he would forever be a part of my life... but I knew better. I knew where to draw the line. I knew where to put myself. Kasi hindi pwede na palagi na lang akong nasa gitna. Papa was right. I could never protect everyone. I could never shield them all from pain. I would always end up hurting somebody... and I chose to protect Saint.