Beyond Our Lies

t h i r t y

!! Author's note !!
tw: self harm (I usually don't put tw since this entire book is basically intrusive thoughts irl but for some reason this small part at the beginning that isn't even as descriptive as past chapters was incredibly difficult for me to write and read so I'm just giving a heads up. Stay clean, loves 🖤)

• • •

Last night was hard all alone but I got through it. Mainly because the boys would not stop blowing up the groupchat with pointless arguments and topics, but I still got through it. It was a new day and I walked up to the school with a small smile on my lips, not wanting a repeat of yesterday. I needed to not let any person's taunts or remarks get to me. I had the boys and that's all I needed.

Yet, when I walked into the double doors I realized that would be extremely more difficult than I had originally planned. All eyes flickered to me in a matter of seconds and loud conversations transformed into whispering and giggling. Shaking my head, I kept the small smile on my face and walked through the halls with my head high, still being as polite as ever to those who talked to me, which was very few.

Since I got here early, I had time to go to my locker and put some of my unnecessary books in it now instead of after 2nd period. Walking down the hallway, I noticed mine was significantly darker than the others. Gasping quietly, I quickly went to my locker and stared at its appearance. The baby blue was now covered in ruthless words and comments regarding my friends and me, however mostly me.

"Go overdose"

"I hope you end up in a ditch"

"Slut"

If it wasn't for my emotions all over the place, I would have snorted and laughed at the overplayed locker stunt. But it reminded me of my old hometown. I wasn't the most liked person and was always bullied. It had gotten to a point where everything of mine- main locker, gym locker, desk, bag- every single item I used was covered in remarks. When Jace found out about it, he made them all stop somehow.

But he wasn't here anymore.

The thoughts of Jace along with the much more hostile comments than what I was used to, made me break. My gaze was blurry from unshed tears as I ran towards the closest bathroom that thankfully wasn't occupied. Locking it, I slid down the door and broke down. My salty tears could be tasted as I covered my mouth to block out any noise I made. We can't have the students seeing how much their fucked up words impacted me, now could we?

I was full on shaking and desperately needed some relief. The words written along with those I've heard about me swirled in my head and nothing I was doing was getting them to quiet down. Pulling my hair, I mumbled through my sobs, "Stop stop stop."

My backpack that was still on my back made me halt my repeated 'stops' and I took it off before digging through. In one of my pencil pouches, I found a razor and stared at it. My sobs were getting harder to contain as I stared at the short livid escape.

"Just please don't do it again."

Xander's desperate voice played in my head and I squeezed my eyes shut. Why was I hearing his voice? This is supposed to get the thoughts to stop! Deciding it would if I continued with it, I lifted my sleeve and did what I do best. I cried until my head began to throb and the blood began to dry.

Slowly getting up, I placed the razor back into the pouch before putting my bag on once again. I stumbled towards the sink and washed my wrist, flinching every so often. While I was doing that, I stared at myself. The girl in the reflection reminded me of the old me. The me before the boys came along, the me after Jace was gone, the me I so desperately hated. My eyes were bloodshot, my breaths were ragged, and my expression was dull.