Beyond Our Lies

f o r t y t w o

Christmas break could be described as anything but anticlimactic. Xander's withdrawals had been reduced tremendously with Elijah's general knowledge of substance abuse yet the negative effects certainly did not cease. There were some days when the nights ended up with slammed doors and accidents to the walls and windows. Other nights consisted of me running a hand through sweat dampened strands of hair, attempting to calm him down from another panic attack. Waking up at four am to Xander hyperventilating had became an all too common aspect of my nightly routine.

My body naturally woke up before the sun fully began to rise and I glanced to my phone on the nightstand- 5:50am. I still had ten more minutes before it was necessary to get up and get to the showers before the other boys but my mind was already wandering to Xander. We had been sleeping in the same bed since the withdrawals begun, Xander not wanting to be alone and me personally wanting to be able to wake up in the night and check if he's still breathing. I sat up on my elbow and slowly placed my left hand on his bare chest, desperate to feel his heartbeat. The quiet thumps under delicate tattooed skin thrummed throughout my body and I smiled, knowing he's still here with me, thankful for yet another day.

The sight of his nose twitching like a rabbit made me giggle. "I know you're awake, quit doing the bunny thing." With the sound of my gravelly voice, he peeked at me with one eye and a sleepy grin overtook his face.

"Quit being a freak and staring at me," despite his mean words to me, his morning voice never failed to send shivers down my spine and he was more than happy to take advantage of that at every opportunity. Softly grabbing my hand on his chest, he intertwined our fingers and spoke again, "Good morning, Princess. How are you feeling?"

The uptick of my lips was easier than it had been in weeks, perhaps from Xander waking up and prioritizing my mental health before he has even had breakfast yet, or perhaps because it was one of the lovely days where he started out in a a good mood, before the silent treatment or arguments. I squeezed our intertwined fingers. "I want to stay in this room with you, forever. Nothing bad can happen here."

Wow okay, I did not plan to serenade this boy literally minutes after he wakes up. Cherries consumed my cheek tones and I stuttered to get out an excuse, "like, it's just- if I'm here with you, I don't have to deal with the consequences of tod-" A hand reached out and rested on the lower back of my head, nudging me down towards his horizontal point. With closed eyes, I connected with his soft, plump lips. Once, then twice. He never asked for more, never pushed neither. After a brief moment, I moved back and returned my gaze back to him to find his cheeks mirroring mine and a boyish grin attempting to be concealed by a lip bite.

"You have no idea how much you mean to me." With a infatuated giggle, I hid my face within my hands until he was prying them away. "Come on, let's get you ready."

I ended up driving to school in my own car, much later despite being the first one awake. The additional stress of this results day was eating me alive, and I was unable to eat my breakfast without it ending up in the guest bathroom's toilet. As I reluctantly parked in the school lot, the clock indicated only ten minutes before homeroom started. Letting out the biggest sigh of a lifetime, I stepped out of my car and kept my eyes trained on the pavement towards the building.

Despite it only being the sixth of January, the palms of my hands were sweating as if it was suddenly mid July. The repeated actions of swiping them on my distressed jeans went unnoticed by the swarms of students within the packed hallways, focused on reuniting, or rather gossiping, with classmates that had went on grand holiday trips for the duration of break. With one last anxious exhale, I unfolded my new semester schedule and walked the quickest route to my homeroom. Like majority, most of my schedule had been altered in some capacity. Mr. Jackson believed a stagnant schedule leaved room for us to be unmotivated. Therefore, our classes would be the same, yet classmates were scattered. Usually, this annoyed rather than excited me however now I was beaming at the possibility of having classes with the rest of the boys.