Soul not Included

Chapter 125

Dorian had sat helplessly in the same position Mari had left him in. He was holding Charlie's head carefully on his lap and trying hard to focus on the arrows around him to make sure he nor Charlie moved them in any way. Just like Mari said. Stay within the circle. He didn't know why but he was going to listen. He was going to obey. There wasn't any room for him to question things.

But he couldn't focus on the circle or Charlies head injury. 

His body was frozen staring off in the direction Mari had tried to run off on top of a wolf. A fucking wolf! But just as quickly as she was riding off, she was knocked off it with ease.

This is where Dorian wished he was able to look away but he didn't. Couldn't. His eyes always follow Mari.

Even before when they were kids, he found her appearance so different that he couldn't help but notice her whenever she walked into a room... being a practical ghost gliding through the dreary murkiness that he found Forks to be. But his eyes later began to follow her because she wasn't as her appearance suggested she was. She seemed distant and cold, probably even a bit meek. She wasn't. She was very receptive, reactive and tender to everyone and everything. His eyes started to follow because of her warmth. He wanted it for himself but the more he wanted her the more she seemed to move away from him.

But if she would have moved away and just left it as that then he probably would have just accepted that he just wasn't meant to have nice things. She just wasn't for him. But she didn't just leave. She left and then returned to mess with him. To force him to keep looking at her. Dorian thought she was pretty fucking cruel but he liked the attention. It wasn't that she was moving away... Dorian thought, maybe she was asking him to follow her to a warmer place. He wanted to go with her but he didn't want to share her. 

He didn't know how to get her to just be his and his alone so he was angry and threatened her and said cruel things. She hated when he said Charlie wasn't her real dad, so he kept saying it. But she never actively fought him. Ever the more mature one.

He was so angry he finally did hit her. He was just so furious. He was serious after all. Serious about his feelings and she refused to see it. She refused to see him the way he saw her.  Refused to give him more attention because she had to give the whole school her attention. So... he just so happened to have a bat that day when she mocked him a little bit too much. He didn't even realize he did it until she had hit the ground.  He swung as hard as he could. He was athletic and strong and he had good aim. He never found sports difficult. He hit her head rather easy... he just didn't think she'd fall like she did. Wasn't expecting blood.

She'd hate him for sure now, he thought to himself. He had no right to have her. He had no right to look at her. No right to follow her. He ruined it. Everything. He ruins everything.

Dorian ran away and was willing to accept that he had destroyed the only warmth he thought he might deserve to have and unlike the other times... she didn't come back for him that time.

But he always had thought about her. Even when he was dating someone else or doing other things. Even if he wasn't in Forks or doing well or dealing with the funeral. His thoughts still followed her. 

He refused to cyber stalk her, it felt wrong to him so he stayed watching her as he remembered her. The cold ghost gliding across a murky hall. Observing, reacting, participating but keeping a decent distance from others. A distance that didn't scream go away but rather, 'I'm lonely' but that also didn't scream let's get closer.  Dorian tried to replicate this in his life. He tried to be her. If he couldn't have her then he thought that maybe if he copied her then some form of answers would somehow appear for him.