INTJ, a deep dive into the architects

ENFP/INTJ experience part 9

Its like bittersweet and hard work - the kind where you reap what you sow. As with all good things in life, they don't come easy.

My personal story:

When I, an ENFP, first met the guy I am currently dating, an INTJ - I was humbled by his intelligence and wisdom. I had a deep admiration for his brilliant mind - what would I do to be in his head for just a day? The initial attraction was having 7 hours-long phone call - I did not believe he was an introvert. He talked so much.

I could not believe that someone could understand the mess in my head or relate to how I viewed the world. His one sentence would become the anchor of all my scattered thoughts. He would listen patiently and as if he knew me better than I knew myself, offered solutions better than the ones I could think of.

I was in a lot of pain when we first met - consumed and held hostage by the ENFP's floodgate of emotions. I was sick of being emotional and naive. I wanted to hide my inner self, detach from others and focus on pursuing my career.

As we spent more time together, I seemed to become a different person. I became the person I was supposed to be - without my baggages and fronts that I keep to protect myself. His strong yet calm presence pulled me in like a warm and secure embrace. He sorted my thoughts and inner dilemmas so well. He took my ideas seriously and even helped me to establish a firm plan to achieve them. He genuinely wanted me to be the best I could be which is truly a gift to me. He encouraged me to be authentically me and pursue my life fearlessly. He placed my well-being as a priority which is something I struggled to do because I was always physically tired/stressed.

I am filled with gratitude as I write this. I don't think I have had the chance to tell him all of this yet - not in this way at least. Instead, I try to express my gratitude and love in ways he will receive it - practical ways (very INTJ it seems).

I don't know if our connection is so wonderful because of our MBTI compatibility but it seems like he is exactly what I needed in my life to grow and blossom. The relationship, I'm sure, is still working because of more than compatibility but our deliberate hard work to keep it going. It may have sounded like a romantic whirlwind but in reality, we both made conscious efforts to communicate honestly and take honest feedback in our own stride. It was not like he came flying into my life like Superman catching a falling Lois Lane.

Warning:

Whilst the ENFP-INTJ attraction is strong due to the polarity of the personality types (on top of that, he is extremely masculine and I'm extremely feminine), the same polarity becomes a source of conflict. I struggle (slightly) with two main things: our different expressions of love AND taking his criticisms too personally.

For an ENFP, it is a NEED (I think INTJs fail to comprehend this) to feel connected with people - especially loved ones. For an INTJ, they are self-sufficient, independent and can feel very distant from us. Sometimes, he can appear cold and almost heartless. That's when I start developing doubts. Admittedly, I do feel lonely at times. I am unable to express how I truly feel fearing that I come across as fleeting, illogical and worse, a nuisance.

Do know that INTJ are achievers and have very high standards on themselves. His comments can sometimes make me feel small and inadequate. I try to go back and process these feelings. Mostly, I give him the benefit of the doubt that he does not have any ill intentions and I only take what needs to be done from those comments.

If you are dating INTJs, as ENFPs, you need to be mature enough. Do not become over-reliant on your partners for a constant sense of connection and assurance. You have to be comfortable with the space and distance. Be okay to love them from afar and show your love in the way they want to be loved. I tell myself to love them unconditionally but be aware of my personal boundaries. To my dear ENFPs: work towards becoming a secure person and be able to self-assure. This applies whether you are dating an INTJ or not.

But you know, even if we failed in dating each other, I know I will walk away with a lot of love and gratitude for this man.