INTJ, a deep dive into the architects

ENTP/INTJ experinec part 3

I've been married to an INTJ male for 15 years as an ENTP female, and it's marvelous. Simply F-A-N-T-A-S-T-I-C. Boy are they super interesting.

Here's what our relationship is like:

For someone who is constantly looking for new ideas and being spontaneous, I am never, ever bored with my INTJ. He comes up with the most novel, interesting, completely intellectual factoids every day. He's like a walking mixed with Wikipedia (immense library of knowledge in his head) and a Google (you can ask him anything, he will have an answer). A typical morning will be something like this:Wakes up, first thing out of his INTJ mouth is, "Hi honey." Then some new intellectual discovery of the day (the theme)- "Have you heard about the Fermi Paradox?" (goes on explaining it). That signals to me that, today is the day we will be discussing the Fermi Paradox, and maybe for 2–3 days more. Every day there is some new topic of discussion. I'm usually bored initially, but to appease him, at least hear him out, then I suddenly get interested and start finding random corollaries with the Fermi Paradox to everything in life - like sociology or how we should raise our children to become future Martian astronauts to help mankind overcome the next disaster to mankind (as explained by the Fermi Paradox). I start researching this theme for the next several days, and then I have some hypothesis and throw it at him - "What if we're the generation that passed all the tests in the Fermi Paradox?" to which he always has some answer, "Exactly... and that's why ..." Usually our very passionate discussions about theory such as this goes on for hours, with each of us talking at the speed of light (we can't get out the words fast enough), me constantly questioning him, "So does that mean ____?" "What if this happened?" "Wow, so that means ____!" We are usually in agreement. Our discussions are very passionate (meaning they go for hours at the speed of light and fully engaged concentration and attention). Sometimes we talk until 1–2 am, still not finished with the subject at hand, in this case the Fermi Paradox. We talk about everything from sociology, current politics, world news, global impact, how to improve leadership skills, how to parent our child, etc.

Our fights, if any (I fight with him once every 5 years or so, not exaggerating), are usually very political and not passionate. Almost like the way two lawyers fight to each other. We both state our case, facts, and rarely emotional about it.

I do the bills, housecleaning, etc. because his INTJ brain just can't handle something so beneath him.

Whereas I make an attempt to be fashionable and follow the trends, his INTJ fashion sense is still in the 1990s or what his mom gave him (we're both in our 30s). His clothing choices are always about what has utility, functionality, and comfort and never about trends, fashion, or flashiness. He is okay buying 1–2 pieces of clothing and using it for the next 10 years. My ENTP brain likes to try out mutiple fashion styles and following the trends, until I get bored of fashion, then I'll go into my wear-the-same-thing-everyday mode for the next several years.

For fun, my ENTP self will try out different makeup styles, wigs, fashion, dresses, random sudden hair changes (like getting dreadlocks as an Asian woman), and none of this will bat an eye from my INTJ husband. I sometimes have to remind him, "Hey, don't you notice anything about me?" I sometimes wonder if he is a visual creature or not. Wearing a sexy dress will illicit a response the same as the day I wear a sweatshirt and jeans. There's never a change. I'm always just the same to him.

He (INTJ) likes eating the same food over and over while I like cooking different things all the time.Him (INTJ): "In the 15 years of marriage, I have never seen you cook the same dish twice, except for Japanese curry." Right now I'm in the Indian food phase, and before I used to cook French, Chinese, Korean, American, Vegan, and now Indian for dinner.

Our home furniture arrangement changes every month. Depending on the current ENTP project I have at hand, I rearrange the furniture (moving the bed upstairs, then back downstairs, then out of the master bedroom to make it into a Arts/Music room, then back into the master bedroom as a guest room, etc.) depending on my current "project". Despite this, he (INTJ) makes a joke, and laughs it away instead of getting angry...lol, possibly because I'm doing all the moving and he doesn't have to lift a finger. By the time he comes home from work, it's setup into its new arrangement and the house constantly feels unique. The one thing I don't touch is his items and bed in his private "man-cave" room.

How to make it work:

Often, I am lonely because he (INTJ) never wants to go out or do anything exciting, like go hike or rock climb somewhere. He likes staying at home and reading books or playing video games. He doesn't like to travel unless it is necessary. And when he does travel, it's not exciting as he just wants to go from one place to another. To make it work, I decided I'm going to have to accept being alone and loneliness as normal. Before kids, I traveled all of Europe by myself on foot ("The Grand Tour" as we call it) and Southeast Asia without my husband.

If you want something, I noticed I have to tell my INTJ husband way in advance. He likes to have it planned out and noted on the calendar. If I say it all of a sudden, "I want a puppy! Can I go buy one tomorrow?" He will recoil in shock, like, where did that come from? So instead, I have to make a case (like a lawyer does before presenting it to the jury) on a forthcoming new member of our family - a dog, for reasons A B C. How a dog could help our family due to reasons A B C. etc. And he, after listening, will mull over it for a few days and come back with a conclusion: YES or NO. But once he is committed, he is committed period. He will love that dog, or that person, forever. INTJ are very loyal.

It can be lonely. So if you are the emotional type that needs interaction and hanging out together, I suggest you go the other way. To make this work, I keep myself occupied with my son, read books, Netflix, and self-entertain (while my INTJ partner is busy with work). He doesn't like dealing with the daily menial tasks of housework, what to eat, what to wear, how to take care of the house and home, auto maintenance, home handiwork, bills, etc. I have to do it all for him even though I find it extremely boring too. In other words, he wants as much time as possible for himself to be alone and unbothered so he can maximize his master planning and strategizing on his next major project, whatever that is, like Batman. And I'm like his sidekick Robin who also does Butler work.