Love Lust Lies.

Heartbeats

My heart beating fast and a big lump in my throat. My body shivers and shakes as I breathe. My mind numb unable to think. I struggle to open my eyes. As soon as I open my eyes I burst into tears.the tears fall down my cheek and runs down my neck. I cry silently. I palm my face with my two hands as I sob quietly. My quiet sobs fill the room and it all goes grey. I hear footstep from outside the door as it gets louder and closer each time. The door opens quietly as I am unable to move and a soft spoken voice meets my ears. "Hey ang." She says quietly. She comes over to me and rubs my head as my heart beat slows. I breathe fast as I choke on tears. Her hand movements comforts my heart. I slowly get my body up and wipe away the tears with my fingers. I take a Deep breath. I Look at her beautiful face as she looks back into my eyes. I throw my hands around her so fast I barley can process what's happening. I hug her tight.

Her warm soft comfortable body. My salty tears dripping down my face. There's nothing but silence and my quiet sobs. The rooms spins as I look around. I take a Deep breath and pull my body away from her. I hold her hands and she looks down at our hands which were now connected like a perfect puzzle. She takes my hand and signals me to get up. I get up slowly dragging my limp body across the marble floor. She opens the door still holding my hand as I follow her figure. She leads me into the kitchen. Doors open and my eyes burn from the bright light. My heart is pounding I am sweating and can't breathe. I start getting panicked and start to feel faint and nauseous.

She looks at me and helps me sit down on the chairs. I sit down and place my hands down and my head slams straight down. I'm numb and I can't feel. I don't feel alive. I don't know where Tom or bill or Gustav and Georg is. I don't want to know either. So many thoughts come over my head as I lay staring at a plant. Laura is making something. I am hoping it's food because I am starving.

I lift my head up slowly as my vision goes darker and darker. I look at Laura singing to herself dancing around making a sandwich. She slides a water bottle across the table. I grab onto the water bottle and twist the cap open with all my strength. I Tilt my head back and down the whole bottle in one sitting. I can feel my mouth start to feel normal again. My head is still dizzy and my heart is pounding out of my chest. The rain pours outside as it hits the windows. There's nothing but peace in this moment. "Ang look here" she shouts happily while sliding a plate to me.

She looks so proud as she put her hands behind her back and swaying her body. "Thank you" I say with a quiet raspy voice. "It's so good to hear your voice" she says smiling at me. I take small bites of the sandwhich as my appetite grows stronger the more I eat. I finished the sandwhich within seconds. I hear the wonderful sound of Laura's giggles as she watched on. I take a Moment to just sit there. I clear my throat "I'm going shower now" I say while getting up. Laura walks over to me as I'm walking out the door. She grabs my wrist and turns me around. I am met with her beautiful eyes. "I'll walk you" "okay" I say to her.

I'm glad she's walking with me I don't trust myself walking up these stairs. My legs wobble and shake as we are going up the stairs. My heart still pounding and feeling faint. My head isn't clear and I can't feel. I grab onto the railing while she holds me. We make it up the stairs. We walk down the long narrow hallway into the bedroom. The door flings open and I step through. I see Tom sitting on the bed. "I'll take over from here Laura" he says strongly.

He puts out his hands and I groan and look away ignoring him. The door shuts behind me as I feel footsteps walk away. I walk over to the bathroom and open the door walking in. Tom grabs the door as I try to shut it and walks in behind me. "Leave me the fuck alone" he walks over and slaps me. My already broken body falls down onto the floor and my heart shatters into pieces. I start crying and smash my head into a wall. Tom grabs me away and hold my head. "Stop that" "I've had fucking enough of your bullshit angel." He says as my head throbs.

I can barley hear or feel anything anymore. He drags me up and pushes me into a wall. I force my head away as he puts his hand on my head. He plants a kiss on my cheek and I cringe away. He pushes my body over to the shower and turns on the water. "Get out I wanna shower on my own" I say with tears in my eyes. "No I won't not after all that crap you pulled". "Tom get the fuck out now." I say with rage in my voice. He slaps me across the face and I just fall back into the wall laughing with tears falling down my face. He looks at me confused. He takes the shirt off of me as I just give in. The shirt falls to the floor as he undresses me. He pushes me into the shower and I step under the shower head. The hot water fall down my face. The water streams down my body as his touch washes off me.

I stand in the shower quiet sobs hoping this will be over soon. I grab the body wash from the cabinet and place my two hands together as the soap becomes foamy. I lather the soap over my body and rinse it off with the water. I take the soap and wash my face with it. I wash my face until it feels clean. I rinse off the rest of the soap as I put my hand out the steamy shower. A towel is placed in my hand and I wrap myself with it. I slide the door open and step out. I ignore Tom and walk over to the mirror. He guards me closely and looks at me. I look into the steamy mirror and rubs my hand over it as Tom pulls me back. "I was just trying to get the fucking steam of it fucking let me go" he lets go of my wrist throwing it into my hip. I look into the mirror turn on the tap and let the cold water hit my hands. I put my face close to the sink and wash my face with the cold water as my face feels more alive and fresh. The colour in my face begins to come back.

I grab the hand towel next to me and wipe my face. I walk out trying to slam the door behind me but it was no success. He follows close behind as I sit down on the bed in complete silence. I Look down at my body and see how skinny it is. With absolute no emotion I ask him "what am supposed to wear." He sighs and walks over to the drawers and sets out some underwear a top and pants. I turn away from him and slip on the underwear. I hook the bra together and slip on the shirt. I pull the big pants up my skinny malnourished legs and they glide up. A tear rolls down my cheek as I hold back my cries. My heart beats fast as I turn around wiping the tears off my face with my fingers. I look at him and stare directly into his eyes. I break eye contact and walk away towards the door. I fling the door open and walk down the hallway to the stairs.

At the stairs I sit down and put my body weight onto the rails. I stare down from up above. I feel eyes behind me piercing into my head. I sigh and get up and start walking down the stairs with tears in my eyes. I go to the kitchen and out the sliding glass door almost running. I feel loud steps behind me. I run outside into the moonlight. Staring up at the skies admiring the stars and moon. I walk over to the bar and walk around. I open a Little drawer which reveals a few packs of cigarettes, two lighters and a bag of small pills.

I take a pack of cigarettes a lighter and the bag of pills. I walk around the bar with him sitting on the other side. I look into his eyes swallowing the lump in my throat. I make my way around and sit two seats away from him. I open the cigarettes and take one out put it on my lips and light it up. The flame of the lighter sparkles shinning into my eyes. I set the lighter down and take a long drag and just stare into the night as I turn around. He moves closer and closer to me as I still don't make eye contact. He sits in the seat next to me and takes a cigarette and lights it up. He blows the smoke out as I look at him staring at me. I Look back at the sky admiring it.