Dear Bully (UNEDITED)

21

Dear Bully,

It's been a week since I've written to you. I completely forgot because...for once, I didn't feel the need to rage.

The double date was last night and it was the best thing I had ever done in my life. I never knew double dates (and dates in general) were so fun. Even my parents were happy, seeing me being social. But to be honest, I think the only reason I liked it was because you weren't in my mind and I wasn't fearing the events of the next day. 

Brian nearly kissed me today. I didn't let him, immediately shoving him away. When I close my eyes, I can picture his face from yesterday. His eyebrows were furrowed and his lips were pulled taut; he was mad at me. 

I told Serena about it and she said it was kind of rude not to let him kiss me. I told her that I was saving my first kiss and that it didn't feel right to kiss him then. It was a complicated feeling because whilst I enjoyed the dates... it didn't mean I wanted to do it again. The high left as soon as it was over and dread took over my whole being. 

Serena ignored me after that.

I don't even know why I'm telling you all this. You're not even related to anything that's happening. 

To more you-related things, you're still not at school which should be a good thing for me but unfortunately, I'm getting worried. I feel like because of my wish, the one that wanted you to die, you're not here anymore. Of course, wishes don't come true but what if it did? Or what if you happened to see that last entry? My heart is itching to see you alive so that I know it has nothing to do with me.

To reassure me that I played no part. How strange is this? You hurt me so many times and here I am,  worrying about you. 

I hate myself for it. I'm nothing but an idiot for worrying about someone who despises my very existence. 

Love, Anjana