Counterfeit

-fortyfive--

--fortyfive-

HE FOUND ME by the Creek, but he didn't join me. He watched me for a while, wondering what I was thinking, hoping I was okay, hoping I wasn't about to break.

I was glad he kept his distance. I didn't want to confuse the overwhelming pressure with him; attribute those feelings to his presence. Instead, he sent Patrick down to check on me. What he said would change my life.

He approached me very calmly, perhaps afraid that I would bolt at a sudden noise, and perched himself next to me in front of the water.

"I got scared, too."

I looked over at Patrick. He delved right in to why I was here. We both knew. The way he spoke - he wasn't making a big deal about it, wasn't showing any evidence of shame or embarrassment. It was to the point and what I needed.

"And I didn't want it to be real, either." He continued. "Not when I realised the depth it all - who it meant I might- will, lose."

"What was it that made you most afraid? Realising who might not survive?"

Patrick looked to me, as if puzzled there could be another reason as important as that one. "Wasn't it for you?"

I sighed; breathed out and huddled back into myself. I didn't know what was the worst thing for me.

Patrick sighed, too. "No. I get it... Not being able to remember him. That must be pretty frightening as well."

"I do remember him." I admitted. "Not until we touched. It didn't come until then, but I do remember Charleston. Just a lot of things are missing. I wonder if all of it is real."

"Are they good memories? The ones you have of him, are they good?"

I nodded.

"Then I don't think it matters if they're all real or not. You know who he is. That's important."

I looked over my shoulder. Charleston was no longer in sight. I wanted to see him, match his face to the ones in my mind, convince myself they were all real because they were too important to have not existed.

"I do. But I'm not certain who I am anymore. If my thoughts belong to me, or if they're just another thing I can't trust."

"It's okay to be scared." Patrick's voice drew me back to him. "In fact, it's okay to be completely terrified."

"But Charleston told me to be brave."

"So?"

"So I can't be both."

"Why not?"

"Because..." I couldn't answer him. At least, not with an answer that meant anything. I had spent so much time trying to find ways to not be afraid, without ever realising that maybe it doesn't even matter if I am. I was frustrated that it had taken me so long to work out, but relieved greatly that I finally had.

He spoke for me. I was left so comforted by the certainty in his words. "You're both, Pip."

And he was right, and it felt so right that he was right.

"What's going to happen?" I asked Patrick. "Where do we go from here?"

"Well," he began, "we can tell you, tell you everything. Or we can wait until you're ready."

"Will I ever be prepared?" I joked, laughing halfheartedly.

"I'll let you know when I am." Patrick followed.

After a silence passed, I had made up my mind. Doubt existed, but there was curiosity. Courage. I had to know.

"Pat, I want to know. I don't want to be afraid all the time anymore. I want to be ready. So tell me. Tell me everything."

-fortyfive--

2/12/17

Ahhh, I am so sorry for no update in weeks!!!

I have been so sick for 2 months and we moved house and I had performances and tournaments on. Mostly though, I've been overwhelmed with homework.

I just dropped my English Lang & Lit class from college and I can finally breathe!!! I absolutely hated it and completely lost my passion for English, so I'm glad to be out of that environment. The work load was horrible, additional to my 3 other classes.

I have updated once since college started (September). I had a chapter ready and I was happy with, but it never saves. Hopefully I'll have some more time to write now.

Please comment!! Comment! Comment!

God bless! Please continue to pray for my friend, Tia.

Love always, Hakuna.