Past Hurts

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December 12, 2008

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December 12, 2008

Senoia, Georgia

Greene Farm

We managed to live, quite happily, on the Greene's land for a little over two weeks before shit hit the fan. 

It had been... not necessarily a good two weeks, but they weren't horrible. No one had died, and all the conflicts were pretty minor. Sam had set up a camp on the backside of the house, away from everyone, and Daryl had pulled his camp out almost to the tree line on the front side of the house. Neither of them bothered to talk to me. 

But, Maggie and Glenn had a newfound relationship, that was pretty obvious to everyone except her father, and it seemed like Carl and Sophia had a little bit of a crush on each other, though they were so young that I wasn't sure that it even mattered. 

Dean and I stayed away from almost everyone, only rarely interacting with Rick and the others, and only when they needed something. Both of us were in morning over Castiel, and the fact that even though he was an angel, he hadn't managed to come back to life from the bite that took him from us. 

Bobby spent most of his time in the Greene's house, researching ways to reverse this apocalypse, using the few books that were saved from his house, and the ones that we had in the trunk. He also, recently, had been delving into Hershel's King James version of the Bible, hoping that it would hold some answers. So far, it didn't. 

But anyway, back to shit hitting the fan. 

We woke up, like a normal day, and everyone was grouped up around the fire, one of the only three times that the entire group was near each other throughout the day, and it was only because food was being served. Carl and Sophia were pretty much the only ones talking, Lori and Rick were having a whispered discussion, but everyone else was quiet, like normal. 

That is, until Glenn stood up to make the announcement that would ruin our... comfort here. 

"Uh... guys? So... the barn is full of walkers." It spilled out of his mouth like vomit, and I don't know about the rest of the group, but I almost choked on my powdered eggs. 

It didn't take long for us to race down to the barn, and it wasn't until we got right up and personal with the doors did I start to hear it. The moans. 

"You cannot tell me you're all right with this." Dean growled out, but when he turned away from the doors, he wasn't talking to the group, he was talking to me. Rick didn't seem to get that. 

"No I'm not, but we're guests here. This isn't our land." I turned my glare to Rick, almost not being able to believe that he could even say that. This is the end of the world, I'm sorry but safety goes over being polite!

"This is our lives. Rick, this is not okay." I argued, and Glenn shushed me anxiously when the growling kicked up a notch. 

"Lower your voice!" He hissed, but everyone ignored him as Andrea stepped forward, ready to add her two cents that nobody asked for. 

"We can't just sweep this under the rug." 

"This is a bomb, just waiting to go off." Dean growled, words loud enough for the whole group to hear, but again, he was only talking to me. 

"Rick. I'm sorry, but this needs to be taken care of right now. Or, we need to leave. There's nothing keeping us here anymore. T-Dog is healed. We can leave." I said simply, glancing up at the house where Hershel, Otis, Maggie, Beth, Patricia, and Jimmy were all standing, staring down at us with a mixture of fear and anger written across all their faces. 

"We can't go." Rick argued, and my head snapped over to look at him. Everyone, with the exception of Glenn and Lori, looked just as confused as I did. 

"Why the hell not?" Daryl growled out, finally joining a side as he walked over to where Dean, Bobby, Andrea and I were standing, facing the rest of the group. It was like everyone subconsciously wanted to show what side they were on by where they were standing. 

Rick hesitated, not quite knowing what to say, so Lori jumped in. 

"Because, we're safe here." That's it? 

"No. Actually, Lori. We are not fucking safe! There are walkers, in a barn, right fucking there! Separated from us by a few planks of wood!" I yelled, gesturing madly at the barn. I do not understand how they aren't getting this. 

"We didn't know they were there before, we're safe!" Rick argued but I shook my head. 

"You are such an idiot. It doesn't matter that they're in there right now. They could break out at any moment. And then what are we gonna do? We don't know how many are in there. And what if they break out at night? And everyone is asleep? You gonna feel all safe when our people get killed in their sleep?" 

"We're not leaving. Just... let me talk to Hershel." Rick said, almost pleading, and I watched his eyes flicker over to Lori anxiously, and I suddenly understood. 

"What's going on with Lori that we don't know about? Why are you so damn adamant about stay here? Huh Rick? Why?" I hissed, my eyes narrowing into slits as I advanced on the man. His eyes were wide with fear, and I knew I had it right. 

"If you're going to make us risk our lives by staying here, you better damn sure tell us why." I growled out, standing inches away from him, and I watched, pleased, as the fear spread from his eyes, to the rest of his face, leaving it all plain for everyone to see. 

"Lori's pregnant." He whispered, the words falling out of his mouth like he couldn't control it. 

"What?" I asked, almost falling as I stepped back away from him. The words were like a slap in the face. 

Lori's pregnant?

I mean... I have never liked the woman, but I never would have wished this on anyone. 

"She's pregnant. That's why we can't leave. Hershel has medical background, and so does Otis and Patricia. They are too valuable now. We need them on our side." He said, the fear finally leaving him, and calm taking over as he saw how much the words affected me, and he knew now that I wouldn't fight him on this. He was right, we needed them. 

"Fine. Fine Rick. We won't leave. But this barn needs to go, and you need to get Hershel to see some sense. Or we'll do it without his approval. It's our lives too." I practically whispered the words, but I knew he heard. 

I waited, only long enough for him to nod in agreement, before I turned and practically stomped back up to Dean's and my tent. I could hear heavy feet pounding after me, and I knew it was Dean, coming to check on me, but all I could focus on was the hand placed firmly on my stomach, clenching the skin there. 

I could feel the tears building in my eyes but I forced them down. I wasn't alone yet. I couldn't cry until I was alone. 

I don't want them to know. Dean, Sam, Bobby and Cas already knew and those four men were still too many people. 

So, I forced the tears to stop, but I couldn't force the ache to leave. And when I finally made it into the tent, I didn't bother holding it back anymore, as I fell to my knees, sobbing so loud that I'm sure that people outside could hear me, but at least no one could see. 

No one would know why. 

And as the tears streaked down my face, all I could do was clutch my stomach, wishing I could go back in time. 

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