Providence [Naruto Fan Fiction]

Chapter 34

[A/N: MENTION OF DEATH, SUICIDE ETC!]

Since I'm abnormal, I didn't admit myself to the hospital after regaining my consciousness when we're travelling back to the village after I collapsed because of exhaustion. I just told Yamato that I'll be going back to the village before them and teleported myself inside my bedroom.

I locked my room and my windows before plopping down on my bed. And there I let every inch of my emotions flowed outside my body. My body shivered when my tears dripped down my face. I had to cover my mouth to cover my sobs. I can't use chakra to activate my sensor to check if Neji's here because I just used my remaining chakra to teleport myself here.

I'm aware of the things that I've said to Sakura and Naruto. I'm aware that I've caused another pain from them but I didn't regret it. What pained me the most was when I saw their pain through their eyes. I felt how Sakura's heart got broken, I felt how Naruto's playful personality disappear after hearing Sasuke's statements.

Damn, do I really need to feel every single pain of them? Do I really need to suffer those? Do I? Really. Why is it always unfair? Why is everything sucks? Was that really because were living in this world full of mixed emotions? I mean, even in Earth has mixed emotions. Why is everything here feels so bad?

Ah. I'm depressed. This is the first time I locked myself and didn't let anyone to know about me. This is the first time I pulled myself away from them. This is the first time I felt so much hurts that... that I can't handle it anymore so I'll let it out.

I cry... and cry again and again but it wasn't enough. The pain is still here. I brought out my cigarette and then light it before starting to inhale everything but still wasn't enough so I pulled another stick. I'm feeling helpless. I began questioning my existence again. I began to doubt myself. I... I began to hurt myself.

I pulled out my kunai and thrust it deeper on my thigh, arms and abdomen. I don't care anymore. It's useless because I can't even feel the pain because of the pain that I'm feeling inside was dominant than this physical pain. It was nothing compared to my doubts! It's nothing compared... compared to... to doubting myself. To feeling guilty of everything! This is nothing!

And no one even understand me. No one CAN! All they did was to scold me, yelled on me, got mad and throw harsh remarks on me when... when all I did was to protect everyone. I didn't care about myself since my guilt didn't vanish from the start. It's there! It's inside me! And it's killing me!

I was avoiding the question 'If ever I get killed, will everything will be alright?' or 'If I didn't just involved myself from the start and didn't get attached to them... will I be happy?'

What am I even doing here? Why am I even transported here? What is my goal?

Ah. I don't care anymore. Shall I leave everything to Naruto? I'm sure... he can do it. After all, he's my little brother. Sakura may be annoying every single time but she's my little sister. And Sasuke may be a foolish but he's my little brother.

I bit my lip to stop myself from thinking negative thoughts. I slashed my arms using my bloody kunai and let myself soak in my own blood. I let out a blow of smoke before weakly pulling another stick of my cigarette.

Damn, there's a lot of maybe's and what if's running through my head. Shit. I'm useless. I don't want to die but... I'm tired. I can't feel the physical pain because I don't care anymore. I'm tired of everything. Maybe a little rest won't be bad.

A sudden burst outside my bedroom made me weakly turn my head.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING!!!!" It was Neji. He immediately throw the kunai on my hands before lifting me like a bride and then the next thing I knew, he's jumping roof by roof and God knows where he's planning me to bring.