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[22] CHAPTER REVIEW: Lost (Parrlyn) (GxG)

Lost (Parrlyn) by Sorrynotsorry29 Sorrynotsorry29

Chapter 1 (Chapter Title)
Contemporary / GxG (Genre)
Comfort vs. Truth (Themes)
First Person Past (somewhat consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌝🌗🌚🌚)

---------------- 12.24.2020 -----------

There are a lot of good things in this first chapter. I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is that there are bad things, too. The good news is that the good is far better than the bad.

Even if I didn't know your age before reading this, I now know you to be pretty young. I won't spare your feelings because I don't think you need that hand-holding. But, in case you are sensitive, I will mark each part clearly (this is all the good/this is all the bad) so you can decide when (if) you want to know the truth.

Let's get started.

The Good
At first glance, a casual reader of a certain age group (us old-timers) may not see the good in this chapter but there is a WEALTH of good.

- The structure of the story is the first good and it's a HUGE deal. This is by far the hardest for a lot (and I do mean A LOT) of writers to get right. It's very difficult for many people to gauge what is needed when. Almost like an instinct (or flat out skill) you pulled it off. It starts at a good spot and has a GREAT cliff-hanger (logical) ending.

- The story is the second good. No, it's not the first of its kind but it's a big deal. This is a woman in a loveless marriage. Depending on WHY she entered into it, this is a huge plot with a lot of emotion to pull from. Then you have the husband she doesn't really want. Is it fair to him that she agreed to marry him knowing she doesn't love him? Does she own that? Does she deny that? There's a lot of room to delve pretty deep as the story progresses.

- The characters, that would be the third good. These are flawed characters. Neither of them is perfect and neither of them is all terrible. Because Henry isn't a cheater. A lot of men, when frustrated in a loveless marriage do roam. His attitude was terrible and he wasn't perceptive of his wife but he seemed to be making some effort, albeit a poorly handled one. That is giving the character dimension. A cartoon-like 'oh he's bad' is boring and unrealistic. So in this regard, I think you have a win with Henry. You also have a win with Catherine. She says she made a mistake marrying him. She also slowly comes to realize that men aren't interesting for her. This is a pretty complex topic. The pressure (even now) for women to elevate themselves with a wealthy husband, even if that's not what they truly want, is relatable. Depending on how the actual book goes, that's a pretty amazing drama to approach.

- The final good would be the distribution of information vs. dialogue ratio. You nailed it. We get the setting (mostly) around them. Just when I think the info dump is enough and it's time for dialogue, it comes. It keeps moving and the pacing keeps moving. Again, I don't know if this is an instinct for you or a talent. I'll call it instinct. You had a good feel for your story and once again, you raise the stakes with that awesome ending.

So as you can see, there is a lot of good.

But that won't matter to you, right? Because you came for the bad so here goes.

The Bad
You're too young for this story. (Stop clutching your pearls).

There are just some things that come with life. I've lived through toxic marriages, both as a child and as a wife. I've seen the violence of them, and the nonviolent yet soul-crushing negativity, too. This is my playground. I will wager a guess that it's not yours, not really.

The GOOD news is that it's okay. You still got the framework hammered out well. You got the fact that he takes jabs or doesn't respect her personal space. I still think you didn't do badly with that. But your dialogue isn't realistic. In some places it's downright childish (again, stop clutching your pearls). This isn't bad. In fact, I think it's a great start. I am more than certain that you can come back to this story in a few years and clean up the dialogue and win yourself a watty with it (if the first chapter's any indication to how well the story may progress). You keep this story PG which I think is a great idea. The dialogue be forgiven, this 'bad' isn't a bad I think you should worry about. For someone my age, it's hard to read it as 'adult' but that doesn't matter. The story, structure, characters, and situations are all there. They are what you need. With the right tweaks once you're older and bolder and I think you've got a real winner.

KEEP writing. Your prose was good. If I ever hear (or see in my feed) that you are doing something silly like quitting or doubting yourself, you'll incur my wrath. I WILL intervene and shake the crap outta you to snap out of it. This is a GREAT start for someone so young.

Remember me when you're famous.

Prologue?
Skipped. As a rule, I do not read prologues.

Does this need an edit?
Yes. Brush up on your Dialogue Tags, specifically, how to format them. But the errors in that regard were still few. You also repeat a bit and should paint the surroundings a bit more but don't bog down your pace. You can do it. Overall though, the grammar and punctuation wasn't bad at all.

Would I read on?
This is not my genre, so no. The prose was good but the dialogue was hard for me to get behind. Despite that, I think MANY will enjoy it so I don't really think you need to change much, if anything at all at this point.

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