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[48] CHAPTER REVIEW: Love Again (Contemporary)

Love Again by Mzschivious_kookies

Chapter 1 (Chapter Title)
Contemporary (Genre)
Work & Friends (Themes)
First Person Past (inconsistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌗🌚🌚🌚)

---------------- 3.12.2021 -----------

There is so much going on with regards to the back end of this story. First and foremost, your handle of English, while not terrible, does need some polish. You get the difficult bits like the 'a' and the 'the' well, but other things like verb tenses and so on give you trouble. Your biggest issue right now is the verb tense. You haven't decided if your story is first person PAST or first person PRESENT.

As you can see, your chapter is in need of a lot of editing. I did not mark each one, because I'd seen that others had given you editing advice and you hadn't made any changes. Meaning that any edits that I would make (which would take this review from 1 hour to maybe 2) would be ignored too, maybe.

I criticized a lot of your work. I pointed out error after error but I did enjoy what I read. I think with the right hook, I'd even read it with the errors to find out what's going on.

Judging from the writing, the topic, and the MC's POV, I'd say you are pretty young.

So first let me say GOOD FOR YOU. It's not easy to decide to write something in a language (and culture) that's not your own, and you had the guts to do it.

Now, it's not perfect—it's far from perfect, but it's got a lot of potential.

Your strong point is that you know your genre well. You know the components needed for a good story. And while a lot of it was exposition, it did not feel cumbersome. I'd usually advise against so much exposition but I think you can get away with it here.

There are a few other issues that we need to tackle before we talk about the grammar and punctuation.

The first is the plot. It's not really clear.

-What is the problem?
-What is the possible solution?
-What's standing in the MC's way of getting that solution?
-What is the actual solution?

A first chapter's function is to introduce us to the character AND the problem (crisis) that sets the story in motion. Otherwise, we could have selected ANY day to start this adventure. We could have chosen the day before or the day after. So why this day? What was so big about it? Just Alex getting hired? But him getting hired didn't change anything about their situation.

Imagine if the MC was the only girl working at a big company. Then one day, she sees another (better) girl join the staff at that company. Now her job is in danger. Etc. etc. that's the crisis or problem.

In this first chapter, I did not know what the problem was.

Be careful about making your MC mean-spirited (or TOO perfect). It's okay if she's meant to be that way but if not, then she needs to SHOW us other people being bad rather than tell us. If the MC is telling us and we can't see it for ourselves, she becomes unreliable. It's easy for Makayla's character to say something rude in passing. And then we can know she's a jerk. But to just say she's mean without showing?? Hmm... That's a tough sell.

You also will need to do more research about a cafe. They are usually small and have a low staff. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to see an American teenager put into a new culture instead. Like one ending up in India and having to navigate the different culture shock moments.

Overall, it wasn't a terrible read but it was certainly a rough one. It's going to require a lot of work BUT if you can establish that plot and make it compelling and suspenseful from the very first chapter, I don't think a genuine reader will mind so much. Don't get me wrong, this needs a lot of edits, but it is still readable. A bit more spit and polish will make it shine.

Prologue?
Skipped. As a rule, I do not read prologues and it was unpaid for. Therefore, I did Chapter 1.

Does this need an edit?
Yes. There are many dialogue tags, comma splices, and fragments etc. The plot needs to be established.

Would I read on?
Yes/No. Without a clear idea of...
A. the clear conflict
B. hints of what's to come (quest, adventure, romance, power struggle)
C. a clear possible solution for the MC
...then I wouldn't be too eager to jump to the next chapter.

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