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[52] CHAPTER REVIEW: Relationship For Convenience (Contemporary)

Relationship For Convenience by freckled_nicky

Chapter 1 (Chapter Title)
Contemporary Fiction (Genre)
Love vs. Reality (Themes)
Third Person Limited (consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌝🌗🌚🌚)

---------------- 5.08.2021 -----------

The author's note at the bottom said this was your first story. I think you did a pretty good job for a first attempt.

Your use of dialogue tags was on point and the only punctuation error I found was that you did not put a comma when addressing someone by name. For example:

You're blowing this out of proportion Anna.

Should read

You're blowing this out of proportion, Anna.

And

congrats on your engagement bro.

Should read

congrats on your engagement, bro.

Otherwise, I think the formatting was well done and the speaker was clear. The tone and character voices were distinct as well. As a casual reader, I could sink my teeth into this easily.

But as this is a critique, I will touch base on some things that concern me. They are nothing major in comparison to otherwise strong start.

We begin our story with Anna who is our main protagonist as she is on the verge of a meltdown. Her raw emotions come through very well in this first chapter. Especially when she refers to her feelings of being more embarrassed than hurt.

This is easily relatable. In fact, as she continues, she's very easy to sympathize with. Then the main antagonist gets to speak. From the situation and from the words he choses, I think you SHOW very well. But then you double down by 'telling' on top of it, which I don't think is necessary.

Take this part for example. It's good detailing and scenery:

She nervously paced her medium-sized beige bedroom, feeling the soft bristles of her carpet under her feet.

But.... Do we really need that 'nervously'? With a piece that was doing well to show her emotion, was there no other way for her to show nervousness. Doesn't her pacing already mean she's jittery (nervous) already?

CONSIDER:

Her body trembled as she paced her medium-sized beige bedroom, feeling the soft bristles of her carpet under her feet.

It's a bit longer than the adverb but it does give the reader a better idea of what her nerves looks like.

That TELLING is clear again in this instance:

"Anna, I don't think I ever asked you to be my girlfriend, and you know how much I hate drama," he said in a bored tone, as if he had more important things to do.

Two things are happening here. 1, it's more than obvious from his choice of words and the lack of emotional response given to him from the narrator that he's nonchalant if not bored. If you really need that bored, then CONSIDER THIS:

"Anna, I don't think I ever asked you to be my girlfriend, and you know how much I hate drama," he said, bored.

But if he felt 'I have more important things to do' is it really boredom or annoyance?

Consider: he said, fed up.

This is my personal opinion but I'd invite you to avoid 'as if' in your writing. Instead, please consider committing to the situation and feelings. It's not 'as if' it is that.

For example:

'as if she could hold the pieces of her heart together'

Why not

'trying to hold the pieces of her heart together'

?

Her trip through her emotions was really well-done. We got to learn a lot about her very quickly. With this, we could see how proud she was:

'at least not now in front of him'

This is good SHOWING. She doesn't have to tell us 'I'm too proud.' No. Her intent here SHOWS it.

Be mindful of clunky repetition. For example (gaze)

She faced his gaze head-on, refusing to be intimidated by his sheer size and stubborn gaze. His gaze softened; as if he had something to say.

This is a typo AND a comma splice:

"What exactly do want to explain, I mean the text itself is pretty self-explanatory.

CORRECTION:

"What exactly do you want to explain? I mean, the text itself is pretty self-explanatory.

Finally, let's talk about the ending. I wouldn't necessarily call this a hook ending.

"In the first place, why the fuck were you going through my phone?"

Is he angry enough to hurt her? If so, we need a hint of this and if so then yes, that would be a hook ending. But without any indication of this until now, it simply is a question that has no consequences behind its answer. We don't know what's at stake for Anna. Did she tell people about them? Did she secretly hope to marry him? Is her biological clock ticking? Are her parents coming into town to meet her new boyfriend who has just broken up with her that morning? Other than this relationship coming to an end, what is the consequence of her lover's actions?

Once again, I do think it was a pretty strong chapter, even with the typo and very few errors. Its tone is steady, consistent, and strong and the MC is very relatable. Good job.

Prologue?
None.

Does this need an edit?
A light edit, yes. Dialogue tags are well done and the punctuation is a strong point, however, it still requires an edit. The stakes and consequences need to be established (if there are any).

Would I read on?
Yes/No. Without a clear idea of...
A. the clear consequences
B. hints of what's to come (quest, adventure, romance, power struggle)
C. a clear possible solution for the MC
...then I wouldn't be too eager to jump to the next chapter.

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