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[30] CHAPTER REVIEW: Bosque's Outlaws (Horror)

Bosque's Outlaws by Zidhi_the_Zebra Zidhi_the_Zebra

Prologue / Chapter 1 1/2 (Chapter Title)
Horror (Genre)
Thrills & Consequences (Themes)
Third Person Omniscient (very inconsistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌝🌚🌚🌚)

---------------- 1.05.2021 -----------

I debated writing this review because you seem very young and it's more than obvious that this story meant a lot to you. You put a lot of effort into it. But without honest feedback we can't really improve, grow, or understand what impact (if any) our work is having on others.

So I decided finally to give you this review because if it was me, I'd want to have it.

Before we begin, I will tell you honestly that you may not like what I am about to say, but I will try to keep it as technical as possible.

I started with your first chapter by mistake. Usually, I skip prologues. Then when I went to look at tagging your name, I saw the memo that I should do the prologue.

I'm both glad and sad that I read the first chapter first rather than the prologue.

Your biggest problem is the white room issue. We don't get a sense of where anyone is or what's going on fast enough. Eventually the scene comes into focus but not for a very long time. I'd suggest telling your reader as soon as possible. I know you wanted the dramatic effect of the 'kill her' and that's okay, but the next few lines should have indicated where they were etc. It takes only a few added sentences to bring the details to life.

That then leads us to your other issue, identity. You have a habit of NOT identifying who's speaking. AT ALL. And it comes at a cost to your writing.

Overall, I'd say your writing is competent, more than competent, but your non-use of dialogue tags is ineffective. This is done for stylistic purposes, but as it leaves the reader lost and disoriented, it's doing more harm than good.

In chapter 1, it was frustrating to not know who was talking...ever.

Artistically, you put a lot into your work, but as of now, because you neglect the technical aspects (Dialogue Tags and scenery) you are basically drawing the Mona Lisa on a $2.00 handkerchief. And this is fine. People will still admire it, but really, is it doing your art justice?

Dialogue tags, scenery, set up, these are tools. It's good that you have the talent and instinct to make a story, and even the imagination to bring your characters to life as you do, but without the tools to deliver your ideas and thoughts effectively to an audience, it really is like screaming into a vacuum. Nothing's getting out, and if I'm honest, that's what you deserve.

I no longer feel sorry for writers who don't utilize the tools necessary to help their writing shine. We are all capable of it.

That dialogue tag fix can even be achieved without dialogue tags, if you make sure actions and dialogues match.

For example:

Jeff kicked the ball. "Here!"

"Wait!" Matt caught the sphere before it slammed into a car window. "Moron, watch it!"

"What?"

"What the hell you mean 'what?' Didn't you see that huge SUV?"

"So?" Jeff raced to him and snatched the ball. He ran. "They can afford to buy another one."

In this example, though it used no dialogue tag of "said" "whispered" "screamed" etc. etc. it did link the action with the dialogue. When Jeff talked, it matched when he did something. Yours looked like this.

"Here!"

Jeff kicked the ball. "Wait!"

"Moron, watch it!"

"What?"

"What the hell you mean 'what?' Didn't you see that huge SUV?"

"So?"

I had no idea who was doing what. Sometimes the action and words weren't from the same person.

Now, that's chapter 1, and that's an easy enough fix. The prologue...not so much.

The prologue comes with a very heavy dramatic presence and I commend you for digging deep to portray it. The issue of 'no identity' comes into play. Imagine if you were driving on the road and see a bad wreck. You'd still say, "Geez, I hope everyone's okay," but ultimately drive off. But imagine if it's someone from work who you recognize. Now you're shocked. Imagine if it's someone from work who you've talked to in passing daily? Imagine if it's someone from work whose name you know and who knows yours? And imagine if it's someone you care about? With each instance, your reaction is stronger and stronger. Your prologue is demanding a strong response from us but it's from someone without a name—someone who doesn't matter enough to be named.

You want things to be hidden, namely, their name and identity. I get that, but then you need to give them a temporary name. It can be a nickname or a characteristic or something that others call him, but you need to give this character a name (the boy). Otherwise, when all the bad things happen to him, he is a nameless, faceless accident that we are passing by on the highway, forgetting as soon as he's out of view.

Prologue?
Read fully. Chapter 1, I read half.

Does this need an edit?
Yes. There are many dialogue tag and punctuation issues. The first chapter did not appear to be focused.

Would I read on?
Maybe. Without a clear idea of...

A. the clear conflict
B. hints of what's to come (quest, adventure, romance, power struggle)
C. a clear possible solution for the MC
...then I wouldn't be too eager to jump to the next chapter.

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