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[24] CHAPTER REVIEW: Lost In Dreamland (Teen Fiction)

Lost In Dreamland by tessaH33 tessaH33

Chapter 1 & Chapter 2 (Chapter Title)
Teen Fiction (Genre)
Spirited Away (Themes)
First Person Past (somewhat consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌝🌚🌚🌚)

---------------- 12.26.2020 -----------

This is my second time reading you and I'm glad to get that chance again. I love that we get RIGHT into the thick of things from the get-go. This was a fun escape. I also think (as before) your style is vivid and paints the scene well.

Unlike before, I must admit that your character voice is good, but the character herself is not likeable once she speaks. Internally and how she feels is very relatable but if I had only dialogue to base my like or dislike, it'd be a poor result. She's not likeable for me when she's active.

If this is intentional then that is your choice.

The male character doesn't do much to offset that. I did like their squabble but his presence doesn't give a deep appeal either. I'll be honest, the amount of stories I've read where a character is described as gorgeous is pretty staggering. I've noticed that I'm starting to become immune to it. I need actions to fall in love, rather than raw declarations of beauty.

That being said, I am curious about the world. The chapters are small and their bite-size will take any reader along swiftly.

I see that the other story is down and I hope that I'm not to blame for that because I am about to tell you something about this story that you might not like. I'll give you the heads up now so you can prepare yourself.

The writing itself isn't the issue. With how similar this idea is to Alice in Wonderland (well, Dreamland), I was pleased with seeing the MC spirited away.

But how?

From what I saw of the story (in my opinion), it lacks dimensions. As of now, it reads: Girl finds herself in a new world. Deal with it.

You could argue (heck, I could, too) that it's okay for the audience to accept this event at face value but we simply can't.

How?

What is the portal mechanism? Once that is determined, I'm certain the dimensions will unfold.

If you're asking yourself, "What do you mean?" then I'll list off some examples:

Alice in Wonderland — falling down a hole
The Wizard of Oz — tornado
Spirited away — a tunnel (I believe)
Coco — a guitar (its theft)
Lion, Witch, Wardrobe — a wardrobe
Gulliver's Travel — shipwreck

There is a visible (known) mechanism that gets them lost wherever they get lost. Is it her dress? And if so, more importance needs to be put upon it.

The good news is that the book is complete so this is the PERFECT time to flesh it out. Right now it has the bare-bones of the story. What it needs is meat on that skeleton and then some trousers.

Your first mission (should you agree):

1. What brings here where she is? (Even if she doesn't know completely, she needs to suspect something)
2. Why is she so hostile to this boy? Is it because she's still in the dress, feeling self-conscious and he's starting at her and she's getting defensive?
3. Other than being cast away, is there a bigger problem? I.e. angering a Red Queen of Hearts? Etc.?

I hope you won't take this book down, too, as the goal of these reviews is to help, not harm. You've completed a first draft and it looks like a first draft with potential. Now you are lucky enough to know the full story so you can drop hints at the beginning. That's great. Do another pass and breathe some more life into this tale. You've got this.

Prologue?
None present.

Does this need an edit?
I don't remember much grammar problems but I do think it needs a clearer plot.

Would I read on?
Yes/No. I like the idea, fantasy is my genre, and the writing was clean so these would be a positive for me. But I also felt that the portal needs to be a bit clearer. The fact that she encounters someone who doesn't now what's going on, too, is fun, but for how long? Even Dorthy got her info upfront (where are they, what danger are they in, and how can they leave?). I'd expected answers to this by chapter 2. The short chapters are nice but combing a few could work as well. It's up to you.

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