FREE Book Reviews

[8] CHAPTER REVIEW: Until She's Gone (Contemporary Romance)

Until She's Gone by MindToScript MindToScript

Chapter 1: It All Led to It (Chapter Title)
Contemporary (Genre)
Disappointment (Themes)
Third Person Omniscient (somewhat consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌗🌚🌚🌚)

---------------- 12.06.2020 -----------

There are a lot of things to like about this entire chapter. It starts strong and tells the reader what the situation is like. With the idea of someone being madly in love but without reciprocation, it's easy to put yourself in her shoes and to feel sad for her.

For me, the topic was a very good one and a very brave one because that's not usually where most romances start lately.

Despite a nice start, there are some things I need to be addressed.

The main concern is the diction. Even though it seems to be in a modern setting, they speak like they are from the 1800.

There is one instance when she says:

"Bryson, but please tell; who were you on the phone with the other day? The way you treat me, Bryson, it troubles my heart. I believe our relationship can be as of old, and I love you so dearly that I cannot be the one who walks away from this relationship. If you have found someone more worthy than I, then please, Bryson, send me on my way."

This is a very heartfelt moment and we can see the raw emotion of it. But it's simply not the way a woman in modern times would speak. The story talks about his 'designer shades' often so I know the setting is modern.

For a Victorian novel, this way of speaking would be perfect. And I understand some people don't like using contractions (can't, don't, won't, isn't, didn't, it's) in their narration but people talk using contractions.

A possible modern version:

"Bryson, just tell; who were you on the phone with the other day? The way you treat me, Bry, my heart can't take it. I believe in us; we can be like before. And I love you so much, so I can't be the one who walks away. But if you've found someone more worthy, then please, Bryson, let me go."

Same content but different dictation.

Another worry I have is the 'talking heads' syndrome that's come out. This happens when there is just bare dialogue back and forth with no setting or movement.

Sometimes there's TOO much movement and if I'm fair, I do think you still manage to convey the slight nuances and changes in their personality here well, but it still fails to tell us WHERE they are when they argue. What's around them? Are they both sitting, are they standing. Are they side-by-side. Are they across from one another. Is she blocking his path, not letting him leave, is he taller than her so he's looking down at her. Is he sitting and she's standing and looking down at him? We are uncertain.

The final concern I have is the sudden shift in mood. This is a pretty gut-wrenching situation, the ending of a marriage. She is in her right to mourn it. We got pulled into her emotions deeply, so I was very shocked when she suddenly transformed into a new person who's dancing and trying to enjoy her night. This shift in mood erases all traces of the drama which was built upon so well.

I will commend you on the description that you did provide, however, because they were smoothly integrated. They didn't feel forced or phony. She's a sympathetic character and the situation is very vibrant. You started strong and in a very relatable way.

Good luck with it.

Prologue?
Skipped. As a rule, I do not read prologues.

Does this need an edit?
Yes. For the dialogue to match the modern era.

Would I read on?

Without a stronger ending to hint at what this book is about, I don't know for sure if I'd go on. I might glance at chapter 2 if I was a casual reader but it'd have to come out swinging to keep me.