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[43] CHAPTER REVIEW: Grass Stains (Historical Fiction)

Grass Stains by Sydneycl2050

Chapter One: Lenoir Manor (Chapter Title)
Historical Fiction(Genre)
Death & Family (Themes)
Third Person Omniscient (somewhat consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌗🌚🌚🌚)

---------------- 2.07.2021 -----------

Before I start your review, I want to tell you a story about someone you might relate to. In high school there was a popular boy everybody loved named Kelly. Yes. Kelly. His name was Kelly but that wasn't why he stood out. It was definitely his height and his beautiful green eyes. He was a basketball player and our school, that had NEVER won a game before he joined, was on a winning streak for that entire school year. One day Kelly got invited to go drinking with his teammates, despite it being a school night and him only being a high school student. They head down to the beach, which was abandoned, and took their six-pack and trudged through the sand. As they neared the peer, the place they planned to drink, they saw a dark figure. They got closer and closer and closer. By the time they reached, it was gone. Anyone else would have turned back, but instead, they decided to drink there. And they drank and drank. Once the moon was high, they realized that everyone had drunk something and none of them were sober enough drive. But the tide started coming in and they had to go home. This far out, there were no buses to take them anywhere. So Kelly decides he's the least drunk, he only had five beers, and I watched him get into the car with all his friends. I told them I'd pass and wait for my parents to come get me, even though they'd be mad at first, they'd still be prouder that I didn't get into a car with a drunk driver. I figured they'd go slowly but they didn't. Kelly hit the gas and took off down the street. Well being how far away it was from the city, there wasn't much light to get him through the winding roads. But as I saw him disappear on the curve, taking it so sharp that I nearly cringed, I felt terrible. I should have stopped them. I should have said something. He said he'd message me when he got home but no message came. My parents came for me and I went to bed that night with a pit in my stomach. The next day, there was a gloom to the entire school. People were whispering as I passed. I didn't know why. I got to class, first period, the only class I had with Kelly and I opened the door. And there he was, sitting there doing his homework, he'd forgotten that there was a pop quiz.

This was a LONG walk to get my point across but I don't know what else to do for you. It's hard for someone to write in a language that isn't theirs and I think you pulled it off well. But watching you weave such beautiful vivid words into a story that was not really a story because ultimately, nothing was wrong, everything was perfect, everyone was perfect, was hard. It's like watching Leonardo Da Vinci fixing a bicycle at a kid's birthday party. You love these characters too much, too much to hurt them but without it, we can't , CAN'T see their story. These are two perfect kids who have a perfect father and even the death of the perfect mother doesn't ruin their perfect home on a perfect day when they were given the perfect decree that honoring a dead woman's memory for 'society's sake' wasn't necessary.

But what is the story? There's no hint of what's to come. There's no conflict. The story isn't even about coping with loss. They've already conquered it. It's not about venturing into womanhood without the woman in their lives? They've already gotten used to it. And it's not about any sort of external enemy or villain waiting in the wings. Everyone is pristine.

Your skill is obvious. I'm beyond impressed (and I don't say that lightly), but I left this story in a daze, feeling like I've just seen Shakespeare working at McDonald's flipping burgers. And that's fine, if the burgers were more worth of his flipping talents.

Prologue?
None.

Does this need an edit?
Yes. The writing ITSELF is good, but not the punctuation. There are some dialogue tags, comma splices, and fragment. The plot needs to be established.

Would I read on?
Yes/No. Without a clear idea of...
A. the clear conflict
B. hints of what's to come (quest, adventure, romance, power struggle)
C. a clear possible solution for the MC
...then I wouldn't be too eager to jump to the next chapter.

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